25 Reasons I Love My Mother

 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. 
 ‘If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. 
 I just finished cleaning.’ 
 
 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. 
 ‘You better pray that will come out of the carpet.’ 
 
 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. 
 ‘If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock 
 you into the middle of next week!’ 
 
 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. 
 ‘Because I said so, that’s why.’ 
 
 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. 
 ‘If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, 
 you’re not going to the store with me.’ 
 
 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. 
 ‘Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re 
 in an accident.’ 
 
 7. My mother taught me IRONY 
 ‘Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry 
 about.’ 
 
 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. 
 ‘Shut your mouth and eat your supper.’ 
 
 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. 
 ‘Will you look at that dirt on the back of your 
 neck!’ 
 
 10.. My mother taught me about STAMINA. 
 ‘You’ll sit there until all that spinach is 
 gone.’ 
 
 
 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. 
 ‘This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through 
 it.’ 
 
 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. 
 ‘If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. 
 Don’t exaggerate!’ 
 
 13 My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. 
 ‘I brought you into this world, and I can take you 
 out.’ 
 
 14.My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. 
 ‘Stop acting like your father!’ 
 
 15. My mother taught me about ENVY. 
 ‘There are millions of less fortunate children in this 
 world who don’t have wonderful parents like you 
 do.’ 
 
 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. 
 ‘Just wait until we get home.’ 
 
 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. 
 ‘You are going to get it when you get home!’ 
 
 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. 
 ‘If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are 
 going to freeze that way..’ 
 
 19. My mother taught me ESP. 
 ‘Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when 
 you are cold?’ 
 
 20. My mother taught me HUMOR. 
 ‘When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t 
 come running to me.’ 
 
 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. 
 ‘If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never 
 grow up.’ 
 
 22.My mother taught me GENETICS. 
 ‘You’re just like your father.’ 
 
 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. 
 ‘Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born 
 in a barn?’ 
 
 24. My mother taught me WISDOM. 
 ‘When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.’ 
 
 25. And my favorite: 
 
 My mother taught me about JUSTICE 
 ‘One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out 
 just like you  

Garfield, On The Oil Crisis

A lot of folks can’t understand how we came to have an oil shortage

here in our country.
~~~
Well, there’s a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn’t know we were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in :
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Wyoming
~~~
Colorado 

 ~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
and
Texas
~~~

Our dipsticks are located in Washington , DC

Any Questions? NO?…Didn’t think So

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Blogging Holiday

So, for my frequent readers you’ve noticed I haven’t actually written in a week…last saturday I mentioned my mother is coming to town tomorrow…she’s staying through next sunday…so, I’m kind of taking a blogging holiday until she leaves…I have some fun random stuff planned for you, but I won’t be online much so you’ll have to occupy your selves…

There is a second reason I’m taking a break…I started this blog to be open and honest more so with myself than anyone…kind of an online journal…I’m not a very good journalier…I have lots of pieces of journals I started of the years…I’d start one when things were bad, and then when things went back to mundane, I’d let it drop of the side of the bed and forget about…well…there’s a lot of stuff that I want to get out into the open, and i really haven’t done that, thus far…at least not the way I’d like…so…put up with some humor for a week or so, and then we’ll get our noses to the grind and see how messed up I really am But if that’s not good enough, for right now, check out my blogroll…there are some pretty messed up people on there…(lol, just kiddin’ guys, but seriously check ‘em out!!)

Blog Updates

After lots and lots of issues with the WordPress image uploader, I have finally updated my Character Page and also added a page called Geography, so you guys will have an idea of where all the places are that I write about. Also on the right side (at the bottom) of the page is an added section that has some of my personal favorite post on the blog listed…if you have been a frequen reader you have probably already read them, but for some of my new readers you may want to check them out. 

Fireworks

 

So, it’s another Saturday morning of awe-inspiring blogging written from my front porch here in good ol’ Chesapeake, Virginia. I’m feeling very optimistic this morning…got a good nights sleep, am eyeing the house work I have to get done, and I don’t think it’s going to be as bad as I thought, of course I am hoping to start tackling the den which is piled up with stuff, but between this weekend and next Sunday I’m hoping to have a futon and end table in there to make a makeshift guest room for my mom while she comes to visit for a week, should be an interesting week.

I live in an older neighborhood, not a ran down neighborhood and not one of those revived neighborhoods, but an established neighborhood… and as I set on my porch stoop and look out there is one house that just pokes out, you just can’t help but notice…because it’s so damn perfect…so perfect in fact, it’s dull. Two medium sized trees in the front yard, 3 little bushes in front of the house, each the same size as the next, and practically exactly the same shape, the yard which is perfectly manicured and completely green, and I mean green, green, like your yard is in the spring for those few precious perfect weeks when it’s just naturally growing well, and green. The white trim & stair case railing is WHITE, not grayish or was white and has a little dirt on it, it’s white, perfectly white…the brick is the color that only new brick can be…the house was built 4 years ago, and it looks as though it were just finished yesterday…and in side, is Mr. and Mrs. Perfect along with baby Perfect. I know, I know, no one is perfect…but you just have to see them to really believe it…he’s a military guy, yet, is always home in time for dinner, and he’s never on deployment…hmm…I’m still wondering how he manages that…she, is now a stay at home mom, so he’s apparently doing pretty well. She gets up early and takes the baby stroller and goes for a walk, and always looks nice and neatly dressed, not annoyingly over dressed, but in normal clothes, yet they look perfect on her… He always looks nice in khaki shorts and either polo shirts or button down shirts that always look fresh from the dry cleaners, yet I never see them bring in dry cleaning…Mrs. Perfect, no doubt. They have a family dinner every night and then go for a walk around the neighborhood taking the baby along and chatting about their perfect day…they wave at all the neighbors “Oh, aren’t they just the perfect little family.” I hear as I drive by on my home from work, and think how easy it’d be to have dinner on the table at 5 if I wasn’t working, at all…but less 45 hours a week. ..she doesn’t seem to shop a whole lot, but every Saturday when she goes to the grocery store, either he goes along or the moment she pulls up in the drive way he rushes out to grab all the groceries…they almost never really smile, yet always give off that vibe of happiness…and they never brag about being happy, even though the vibe is so strong you can smell it…and he wears sandals…and doesn’t even have creepy man feet…strange actually…he could almost be a foot model…and that means something coming from me…feet are creepy, but ecspecially man feel.

 

The odd thing is, part of me really likes Mr. and Mrs. Perfect…they are the kind of people you just want to be friends with so you can in someway be closer to perfection…and then the other part of you, the evil part, wants to be friends with them so you can see inside their house and see if they are really as perfect as they seem….I’m sure they must fight sometimes, but, I never see it…never a hint of it…no one has ever stormed out of the house mad, they never seem annoyed when you say hello, or as you randomly sit on the porch unnoticed…and watch their every move…wondering…can they really be so perfect, yet the proof is there…but obviously I don’t have all the facts…

 

Suddenly, the other day, as I was watching the Perfect baby #1 (apparently #2 is on the way, according to a friend of the Old Hag’s) take some of his first steps across the yard trying to come see our puppy…and trying to make cute like whoofing sounds…They may be perfect, but my god their life is dull…there is no passion coming from over there across the street…My flower beds aren’t as perfectly manicured as theirs…my plants are each growing in their own unique way, and I let them…as long as they stay confined to the flower bed (which at the moment isn’t a problem)…our front porch has some dirt on it…but ever few weeks we sweep it off and make sure there are no dead leaves or sticks on it…about 2 times a year J pressure washes it, just for good measure…our lawn has a few bald spots in it, and one of my solar lights leans a little to the left (or right depending on what side of the porch you are looking from) J and I fight sometimes and one of us will storm out and going else where for our customary cool down sessions…our cars aren’t new, in fact, our newest one is a 98 Ford Taurus which is getting ready to break down every day….our garden hose is almost NEVER put up the way it should be…and out chair cushions pretty much have found a home draped over the porch banister, so when it rains on them, they are already hung up to dry…We’re not perfect by a long shot, but you know, I wouldn’t trade it for Mr. and Mrs. Perfect…I’d like to keep a few fireworks in my life…