27 04 2008

Just want to apologize for my lack of entries. I have just gotten home from going back to Blacksburg for the big party…it was a VERY long weekend…I will be sure to tell ya’ll all about it….later…I’m exhausted and am going to take a very hot bath and go to bed…I will update you guys on everything that happened this last weekend and this weekend…starting tomorrow, blogging will resume on a daily basis.


21 04 2008

Okay, so I’ve had some questions on how I know what I did tonight if I posted my entry at 6 pm, or 9 am…well, here’s the deal..I’m psychic…No, just kidding…I write all my post in advance…right now I’m about a week ahead…just because the date is April 12th, doesn’t mean it was actually written April 12th….some days I just don’t feel like writing…but I don’t want to skip any dates…and then there are days that I feel very verbal, on many many topics, on those days I write several blogs, and schedule for them to be posted….


Misleading?? I don’t think so…they are all in chronological order…just dates vary….it’s still me, it’s still my words, it’s still my life…just delayed…

It’s History, Just Let It Go

19 04 2008

My family…well, where to begin…My uncle, we’ll call him George…him and my mother have never gotten along…from the stories ever heard, even when they were kids they didn’t get along…more so, than just normal sibling squabbles…This bugs me, mostly, because, well, they won’t let it go…well in all fairness, my mother, just doesn’t really like people, but she never talks about my uncle (his wife, yes, but that I’ll save for a little later)…I still hear stories about how my mother “stole” George’s truck one night and went out joy riding with her friends, and then returned it with a dent, I’m not sure if she offered to pay to have it fixed…heck, she may have taken it herself, later, to get it fixed, I don’t know…it’s a one-sided story…I also get told about how she’d borrow his truck and return it with an empty tank of gas…annoying, yes…but seriously, get over it…Now, these stories all took place before she had three kids…she had my older brother at 18…so even assuming someone was babysitting my brother, all of this happened when she was in her late teens…she’s now 45…so seriously, time for people just to let it go already… I think my mom, was probably pretty wild as a kid/teen…but somewhere in there she decided it was time to grow up, she had 3 kids to raise…that’s why she ditched my father (also more on that later)…


My aunt (the evil aunt), George’s wife, is a bitch. There really is just no other way to put it…and let me tell you people, I don’t use that word loosely…if you knew me in person, you’d know that I NEVER say that word, except when it comes to her…she told me once when I was 12 or 13 that she’d fix up a room for me and let me move in because my mother was so mean to me…now, my mother being mean to me…where’d she get that? Well, because I’d vent about her to my granny (who lived with them at the time) and my aunt would be in the room, she thought I was talking to her and my granny, really, I was just stuck with the aunt…But at 12…most teenage girls don’t get along with there mother…I didn’t get along with much of anyone at that age…it’s your rebellion starting…and the last thing an aunt should say, is let me move you in…now maybe, you can come visit any time you need to get a way or, you can come over or call and talk any time you need…even at 12 I knew what she said was wrong…she just has always wanted a daughter, she has 2 sons, and for a very long time she had no other nieces, so…she kept trying to “adopt” me…for Christmas she loved going shopping for me, I’d get all kinds of stuff, my brothers would get a few boring things…nothing really great…I hated that…I’m a protective sister…even if my little brother has been bigger than me since we were in middle school, and even though my older brother is 4 years older than me…I want what’s best for my brother’s…I don’t want to be treated special from them…being born female should give me no special rights or privileges over them…(first time you’ve heard a female say that, huh? I can hear the feminist crying now)…Part of my hatred for her started then.


Then she kicked my mother out of her house one time, I don’t even remember what for…I just remember them fighting and my mother saying “Let’s go, we’re not welcome here.” That may have been the time my aunt accused my mother of trying to sabotage her disability benefits…My aunt is not at all disabled…a little mental, or depressed, maybe, but not disabled, she’s lazy…she’s fine if it’s something she wants to do, but she doesn’t want to work…she remodels her house about ever year and a half…I mean really remodels…she’s strips all the cabinets and repaints them…she redoes the counter tops…all by herself…disabled? I think not….Anyways, she told my mother one time that the Social Security office had received an anonymous letter from someone proving that she was not disabled…and (oh it gets so much better than that…)that the social security office gave her a copy of the surveillance tape, and she could tell that it was my mother who went in to the office and gave them that letter….now come on…how many federal office do you know that just give up surveillance tapes?? And at the time, my mother was student teaching and working full-time, while raising the three of us…when would she have had time??


What really bugs me though…is they are so much against my mother that begins to effect everyone else, specifically my granny…they are so against helping each other, that they don’t want to help my granny because they think it might help my mother…that’s just wrong.


That’s part of why I’m so stressed over this party…they spent my whole childhood judging how my mom raised us…they thought everything she did was wrong…I may not have agreed with everything she did, but she did a pretty damn good job of raising us….none of us are in prison, or knocked up living in trailer parks, so we’ve done better than 65% of our high school….but I know that they will judge everything about this party…and that’s part of why I want it to be so perfect (besides that, I’m a perfectionist)…because I know they’re going to talk…and I want to them to have only nice things to say…even though I know, even if they like it they’re going to say “With her for a mother, I don’t know how that child turned out so well.”…I’ve heard it before, and I smile to myself, because I know that they were wrong, they’ve been wrong, and we’ve risen above that…I’m a much better person than they are…but damn it, I still want everything to be perfect next Saturday….but more importantly, I wish they would all just get over it…just move on and let the past go.

Feeling Very Very Alone & Overwhelmed

18 04 2008

I need to vent….my granny is turning 80 and I’m throwing her a surprise party…not sure if I’ve mentioned that on here or not….But…I’m getting very very frustrated….when I mentioned (back in December)  that I was going to throw her a party…my mother’s response was “Good…I thought I should probably do something but if you’re going to, that’s great.”…so January I send out letters to all her friends & family letting them know I’m planning this surprise party and I sent them all little white notecards and asked them to decorate them, and I was going to turn them into quilt squares…on my uncles letter I made a note that I’d really like a family photo of him, his wife and their two sons, so I could include it on the quilt….I told him he’d get the original back, or he could just email it to me…yeah, no picture EVER came…they decorated the quilt squares, although only one did they actually put effort in….the rest were like dots or lines…stupid stuff…so, my mom was suppose to put up flyers about the party so people could come who I don’t know…(hard to find people to invite when you can’t ask the guest of honor and you’ve only been alive for a little over a fourth of her life.)…So, I sent the same letter to her two surviving sisters & cousin…all three sent me precious pictures of their childhood and each sent money, between 10 and 25 dollars, a piece….now, these ladies are all approaching 80 themselves, and are living on social security, with very little extra money, however, each contributed to make it a special day…


My older brother, didn’t even decorate his quilt square, he had me do one for him, my mom did hers on the computer and emailed it to me….now my mom, my two brothers, my aunt and uncle have not one…not once…offered money to help…however they all tell my grandmother how much she’s done for them…she helped raise all 5 grandkids, and of them I am doing everything, my youngest cousin is going to help decorate only because I asked if the two cousins would like to be included & help…oh, and I have to give him a ride to the church, because they’d be too much trouble for the parents…I would think if someone was throwing my mother a birthday party, I’d at least offer to help, somehow…


Just very very frustrated. Everyone wants to say how much they love her, but where the heck are they when there is non-glamorous work to be done??


17 04 2008

I’m having one of THOSE days…feeling overwhelmed, inadequate…like I’m not good enough and just can’t seem to get everything done…I’ve been lacking energy and not sleeping…My bank account is -$12.00 right now,  have a party to be planning, my pay check tomorrow is $80 less than normal, which I was really banking on it being more than the $800 I depended on…instead it’s $720….I have a loan payment to make, and dinner for 50 people to make, and traveling expenses and helium tanks, and all kinds of other stuff, and I’m just feeling a little overwhelmed. My class final has to be done by next weekend…which coincides with my grandmother’s party…so I’m only on chapter 7, have to be through chapter 10…and have only done the homework assignments through chapter 4…got an email today from my professor asking if I’d planned on completing the course because I had so much I hadn’t turned in….got home and there is a $250 bill from sprint, that I forgot to pay from J’s bank account…it’s a cut off notice…I just totally forgot about it…between all the stresses at work, and the marijuana thing, and the party, and school…it just feel between the cracks. It’s not like me…I’m normally very on top of stuff, especially when it’s not my account the money is coming out of…makes it a whole lot easier…I’ve been forgetting stuff at work a lot…I’ve had customer’s show up to get work done, that I know I talked to, yet, don’t remember what I told them, or pricing I quoted them…heck, most of them I don’t even remember what I’m selling them or what kind of car we’re putting it in….to say the least, I’m a little stressed…


oh and the puppy isn’t well…she’s been sick for a while…she got all these weird little scabby like bumps on her…she goes through phases where we think she’s getting better, and then she goes back down hill…we’ve tried everything, from changing food, to some weird borax treatment J’s sister-in-law found online…the vet wants $3,000 to do a biopsy to figure out what’s wrong, and then God only knows how much to treat her, if he can…she’s been getting a lot worse in the last week or so…J took her over to a friend’s house last weekend, and she went and laid down, and he came back and she was laying in her own urine….not a good sign…I’m really scared we’re going to have to put her down…she’s such a sweet dog…I really hate to have to do it, but, it’s starting to look like we’re going to have to…it makes me want to cry every time I think about it…


We’ll 3 ½ chapters of school work, still left to do…I’m hoping to have all my school work done by this weekend so I can go take my final and be finished with the semester, so all I have to worry about is my grandmother’s party…and money for my grandmother’s party…so, please wish me luck…I’m going to need it.

My Heart Is In Blacksburg, Which I Proudly Call Home

16 04 2008

A year ago today I was at work, and opened up my internet and on my msn homepage was a headline story that a gunman was loose on the Virginia Tech campus. I read a little clip about how he’d shot a girl and they thought it was a domestic violence dispute…I didn’t really think a lot about it…not the first time a crazy person had been loose on the VT campus, and they’d always handled it well, always been “overly cautious” to guarantee nothing happened…hours later I learned 32 people had lost their lives to this gunman.


I grew up about 30 minutes away from the Virginia Tech campus…my mom earned her bachelors there while I was in middle school…as corny and generic as it sounds, I’m going to say it anyways, because it fits…it’s just not the kind of place you’d expect something like that to happen…let me explain. My mom attended classes there while my little brother and I were in middle school…so 12-15 years old time frame…she would pick us up from school and drive to tech and go to class, or we’d ride the bus by ourselves to the campus, if she was already there…she’d give us each a few dollars so we could go to the on campus Burger King to get us a 99 cent whopper and a drink (free refills…we could survive off of that for hours)…after we’d finished our dinner we’d walk across the drill field to the campus library where we’d play on the internet or do school work, if we had any…she’d get out of class at 9 or 10 and walk across campus to pick us up…she’d ask us about our day as we walked across campus to the parking lot…we never worried about wondering campus alone, and she never worried….it was perfectly safe for us to wonder around, and no one ever questioned who we were or why we were there…the librarians learned our names, as did the security guards, but they all knew we were safe there on campus…or even, sometimes, we’d walk to downtown and go browse the shops, we never once felt in danger…


Last year, when the tragedy happen, I came home from work and cried. I have friends on the Blacksburg Rescue Squad, I have friends on the Christiansburg Police Force, I have friends that are Virginia Tech students and alumni (my older brother is tech alumni as are most of his friends)…I cried for them, I cried for what they’d seen, I cried for those they’d lost, I cried because I couldn’t be there with them….I’d been away from home for 5 years, and never once had I truly felt homesick, until April 16, 2007…a day or so later I received an email about Maroon & Orange day…an effort to get everyone to wear Hokie colors to show there support…I tried to find a VT shirt or hat for my boyfriend…every single store in the Hampton Roads area was out of everything VT, orange or maroon…normally, those items SCREAM at you from store shelves…but not one was left in Hampton Roads…my heart swelled…I’d never been so happy to NOT be able to find something…that evening I came home and the news reports showed people in England and France and all over the country (even the New York Yankees) wearing orange and maroon…it showed the community in Blacksburg standing together, uniting together, to overcome their grief…their pain….I talked to friends and family…and the whole community not only back home, but from all over the world, was uniting together to help the victim’s families…to help each other heal….


Tonight…the same pain and pride I felt a year ago is back, part of me wants to be home, but I know, that the whole VT community is united, even if it’s not all in Blacksburg…I watch the news cast, I see the huge moment of silence that occurred on the drill field…the whole drill field is covered in orange and maroon shirts, and yet, not one word is spoken…that’s respected, for our lost family…Almost every college, today, had some kind of memorial service…it shows that not only was the Virginia Tech community effected, but the entire college community, the entire country was effected…and the entire country is uniting behind the Virginia Tech Family.


So please, remember the Hokies in thoughts and prayers.


Blacksburg, I love you and wish I was home.


Lovemaking Versus well…F***ing

15 04 2008

Again tonight, we were intimate. It was good. I wouldn’t call it love making, in fact, to be 100% blunt, it was fucking…I mean, we love each other, and that’s why we sleep together, but tonight, I think we just both had so much emotion that we haven’t expressed that we just went at it.


Now, I really hate to say this. And J was KILL me if he knew this…hence, why I don’t tell him…but J is great at the fucking, and the normal sex, but when you really want love making….he’s not so good…now any guys reading this will say that there is no difference, any girls reading this will understand 100% what I’m talking about…fucking is purely physical…that’s when all the dirty talk and 69ing comes in…lovemaking, is much more intimate…it’s more loving, more eye contact, more kissing, more “I Love You”s…My ex, was actually pretty good at the love making…horrible at everything else though…(yep I know…I’m evil for saying that)…He was good at pretending to be in love with me, and therefore very good at pretending to make love to me…although now, the thought that I ever kissed him, much less slept with him just creeps me out. All I can think about when his name is mentioned is him…doing a 15 year-old girl behind their parents back…or jacking off to naked 15 year olds on the internet…he actually argued with me once on what constituted child pornography…I’d found sites on his computer, and he told me it wasn’t child porn because they were in clothes…not much clothes, but clothes…therefore it wasn’t child porn…what the hell does it matter….it’s sick!!!


Well…enough on the ex…that’s enough to bring any blog down….