They Don’t Understand

31 05 2008

Just reminding you, to take a little time to consider what other people might be going through. Before jumping to conclusions, getting mad and yelling or insulting…just take a moment…

Have You Forgotten??

30 05 2008

You want to know what really pissees me off?? People who were 100% pro-war back in 2001/early 2002, yet now, are all against the war in Iraq. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not at all, nor have I ever been a Bush supporter…but, even back in 2001 when he was discussing going to war with Iraq, he said that it would be a long fight, it would be a long war, and people would lose their lives…and EVERYONE was ready to go in and kick some Iraqi ass…what happened to that??? Now people say how we shouldn’t be there…maybe, just maybe you should have thought of that before you were already to go to war…I think Bush is a complete idiot to be honest, but…I can say that for once I agreed with him…people were living in the aftermath of 9-11 and eager to go “catch the bad guys” just remember that, now, when you’re so quick to insult the war.


The Lotion Isn’t Going Over So Smoothly

29 05 2008

This morning, after I drug myself out of bed and hoped in the shower, I noticed something setting on the bath tub ledge…I tried to ignore it, I wanted to ignore…but it just kept staring at me…a lotion bottle…A lotion bottle that’s not mine…it is though a familiar lotion bottle…it belongs to J…J had lotion in the shower with him this morning…why?? Maybe I shouldn’t be considered, but I am…call me scarred. Maybe I should tell you some history as to why I’m so worried…


My ex was addicted to sex…not sex with me, just sex and anything having to do with it…specifically porn, but not just that…he liked to experiment and do things that I would never ever even in my craziest dreams have thought of…I really liked porno though, he was addicted…especially to teen pornography, girls about 12-16…I didn’t know all of this when we first got married (hopefully that’s a duh moment…any woman who knew that, what not willingly tie herself to a man for the rest of her life)…All the evidence was probably there… just didn’t see it…When I found out about it…I was hurt and devastated to say the least…


The ex NEVER locked our doors…use to drive me nuts…I’m paranoid…I ALWAYS lock the front door…but he never did…so when I’d come home from work and go to open the apartment door and it was locked…I almost knew that it was because he was looking at porn, and by locking the door that gave him a few extra seconds to get it off the computer before I walked in…What really hurt was that it was never that he wanted me…I mean, he had sex with me, but…he never seemed happy with it…I would have done almost anything to make him happy…to feel like I satisfied him…in fact, I did try a lot of stuff that I wasn’t comfortable with…the first being oral sex…I was NEVER comfortable that…that creepy little snake like thing staring at you…and you want me to put that in my mouth?? This, for the girl who can’t even stomach eating a hamburger…or yogurt…meat and creamy white stuff just don’t belong in my mouth…but I tried…I did… tried…I tried several times, and one time he used his hand and pressed my head down into his lap more…I freaked out and he never ever got to have me try that again…


He asked me one time if I’d shave my vagina…hmm…what on earth was I thinking…I was crazy enough to do it…turns out several months later, I found out why he wanted me to do that…because then it would seem like I was a teenage girl…you want to talk about trying to traumatize a woman, that’ll do it, being 20 and having your husband want a younger person…because I wasn’t as experimental as he would have liked (although much more so, than I would have liked) he like to masturbate…a lot…my lotion bottle (ahhh…now you’re seeing the link…) my lotion bottle would randomly end up by the computer…or near the bed…one morning  I woke up and the bed was kind of shaking a little…I didn’t turn over, because I could hear what he was doing…he was masturbating, lying right beside me…now a normal man, who woke up and was in the mood…would nudge his woman and be like “hey honey you up for a round…” or something to that effect…anything to that effect would have been nice…but no…he was masturbating while I was lying beside him…I got up, got dressed and left the house…I didn’t know what to do, I was hurt, devastated, disgusted and really just couldn’t stand to look at him…I couldn’t believe he had done that…I couldn’t believe I had married a man who had done that.


So, back to my original question…should I be worried that there was a lotion bottle in the shower this morning?? I could always ask J, but…is he going to think I’m a paranoid freak?? Besides, how do you even approach that topic…especially considering…well, considering he hasn’t really been interested in sexually stuff lately…which, is worrisome in itself…when we first started dating…we pretty much “went at it” 2 out of 3 nights…the third night we were so exhausted we fell asleep in each others arms by 9…then, we went to only having relations on weekends…we were too crazy and busy and tired during the week…but even then it was 2 or 3 times a weekend…then it went to once a weekend and now it’s to about 2 times a month…and some months it’s only once…now I understand that couples aren’t as “hot” about each other after a year or so…that’s fine, I get that…and I understand that he’s 42 and so his sex drive is a little lower…understand, but 1 time a month?? Am I supposed to be happy with that?? Maybe it’s the marijuana…that can lower your sex drive, right? Maybe…The craziest part is…is I know it’s not porno, and that he’s not attracted to me (although try telling me that at 12 at night when he’s, ever so politely turned me down, again.)…I know he loves me, but…I just…it’s frustrating!!!! He’s never been one to masturbate, as far as I’m aware…of course he lied to me about the marijuana thing…but that was different…kind of…okay, I’m doing it again, rambling and having crazy thoughts…but the no sex thing, is really really starting to get to me…


One little lighter side of life thing…this picture really cheered me up today when I found it on another blog…so I thought I’d share…besides, if you don’t make light of the situtation…it could kill ya.

Love & What I Thought Was Love

28 05 2008

I, once, had a blog…before this one…but I’ve just recently deleted it…but there was a few post that I’m reusing here…this actually was only written a week or so before I started this blog…and it was in my opinion a very good blog…so I’m sharing it here…here ya go:

Okay, so, yeah, blogging is kind of a hard thing for me to do. You see, by nature, I’m a very private person, so the whole idea of writing down my inner most thoughts and then posting them on the internet for the whole world to see, while, it’s frightening, to say the least. I’ve pretty much convinced myself to approach the whole thing as just a journal for me, and try to ignore that whole Blog Stat where it says how many people are reading this…because the bigger that number is, the scarier it is…especially because there are a lot of things in my life that I’m ashamed of, very, very ashamed of.


My divorce, I felt like a complete failure because I should have been able to do something to make my marriage work. (Did I mention I’m a little bit of a control freak?) Well, turns out, there was absolutely nothing I could do to make my marriage work. If there is one thing I learned, it’s that to make a relationship work BOTH people have to be 100 % committed, not 95%, I’m talking 100%…nothing else should come before your spouse, then your marriage will work. However, if one of the people aren’t completely committed, it’ll never work. I was 100% committed. I changed my entire life trying to become someone I’m not. I thought that if I put in enough effort, that he’d have to love me, and therefore, we’d make it work….turns out, I didn’t love him, I loved what I thought he was, what I thought he could be…turns out, I was 100% wrong about that…He has some serious serious issues he needs to work out. And no matter how hard I tried, you can’t make some one deal with an addiction if they don’t want to. Now, a lot of divorcees, I know, say how they still have fond feelings for their exes. Yep, not me, not at all. It took me a while, but I realized that I never really loved him, so, no feelings there. I’m not mad anymore, he lead me on, he made me believe he was someone he wasn’t and he wanted me to be something I couldn’t be. I’ve moved on, and I’m ready to close that door in my life…and would be very very happy if people would stop asking me about it.

Now, my current love life, is a 180 from my past. J, is the exact polar opposite of my ex. My ex, use to only care about how things would effect him, it didn’t matter if someone else was happy, he only wanted things that made him happy. Even if he did something they you might think he did to make you happy, really he only did it so you’d say how great he was, he was in it for the praise, not for my happiness. Well, J, goes out of his way to make me happy….he gets up in the middle of the night to get me water, because he knows I’ll wake up and want a drink, he remembers to get not only diet coke at the grocery store, but also the lemon to go with it, he makes the effort to get along with my family, even when he doesn’t really understand them, and because of that, my family adores him, and are so happy that I’m with him…and he’s so funny, he makes me laugh all the time, even when I don’t want to…I get mad at him and he’ll say something and make me smile, and I can’t happy but fall in love with him all over again, and then, well, how can you be mad at a guy like that?? Every moment with him is filled with fun, and love….even when I’m having a bad day at work, he’ll walk up and wrap his arms around m and kiss my forehead, and life is so much better, just from that few little seconds to let me know he loves me….and he’s learned to cook vegetarian stuff, just for me…and doesn’t harass me about not eating meat…he doesn’t make a big deal out of it, it’s just part of our day to day life, he eats meat, I don’t…And yeah, I get asked a lot about that whole 18 year age difference thing, but honestly, it’s not a big deal. I use to think it would be, in fact, I was kind of scared when we first started dating, but turns out, it really doesn’t effect us that much…for one, we’re both pretty much in the same point in our life…and even when things come up, like me wanting to go to New York for the CIA, he’s willing to move…I’ve never had someone say they’d do that for me, I’ve always been the one sacrificing, I’ve never had someone sacrifice for me….and yeah, if we have kids it may make it a little harder, considering he’ll be like, 60 when they graduate high school, but wouldn’t be the first time that’s ever happened, and you know, I’ve always imagined I would have kids, but, I’ve had 3 miscarriages, so the reality of it, is I might not ever be able to have children, but with J, even if I don’t I know we’ll be happy together, I don’t have to have the marriage or the kids to be happy, I have him, and that’s what makes me happy…and speaking of that, I’ve always had a problem with jealous…I was always scared that the man in my life would want someone other than me (of course, they being told that a man wanted a 15 year old over me, could have influenced that)…but with J, I’ve never had that problem…even when he talks with 10 or 15 women a day, and they all tell me how great he is, and not all of them know he’s taken, but, I know that I’m the one he wants, there is no doubt in my mind….and that is the greatest feeling on earth, is knowing that I’m finally on the same page with someone…okay, so I see this has gone on for a page and a half, so I’m getting off of here…see ya’ll tomorrow

Politics, Drugs & the FDA

27 05 2008

Okay, so I’m not a huge political person, but I keep up, and think it’s important for people to have an idea of what’s going on around them, so tonight I was watching the nightly news and part of the news was about a baby and mother that died because the medicine they were given was tainted. The actual medicine was made in the US but the main ingredient was made in Asia….now, I’m not going to bash Asia…no reason to, our country is messed up enough, that it’d take many many blogs to bash Asia and America…So, the news guy was saying that all American manufacturing plants have to be inspected by the FDA once every 2 years…2 years??? Once??? What??? Are we completely blind? How hard is it to get through 1 inspection in two years…Lets see 364 days a year, times two…is 728 days, so…1 inspection every 728 days, assuming an inspection takes a day, that means 727 days there is no one checking up on our drug companies…I’m sure nothing could go wrong in those 727 days…I’m sure they’re following all the regulations those 727 days….I mean, come on, it’s like leaving your kids alone for a day and not checking up on them…how’s your house going to look after that??? So yeah, kind of a BAD standard, you think??? And then the news guy proceeded to say that only 7% of foreign plants are ever inspected, yep that’s right 7%….and they wonder why medicine is killing people…The FDA said that they don’t inspect more, because they don’t have the money…no money….wow, haven’t heard that one before, huh?? But let’s see, they’ve spent how much on this presidential election??? That hasn’t even officially begun yet…We’re still in the primaries….here’s my thought…if one politician would say, I am NOT going to waste millions on political advertising and instead I’m going to give it to the dying AIDS victims in Africa, and the starving homeless of America, and to the FDA so they can keep up safe…that is the person I would vote for, that is the person that I think this country could find unity behind….Just one politician who actually cares for people, not just Americans, and not just those who can vote, but who honestly care for people….