Happy Father’s Day, Mom!

15 06 2008

My father left/was kicked out when I was about 3, my older brother was 7 and my baby brother was 1. I never really got to know my father, but what I did know, I didn’t like. He spent a few of those years in prison, for killing a man. That’s something that almost no one knows outside of our family…my ex-husband never even knew that…it’s something very deep and private…in fact, my mother didn’t even want us to know, she was so ashamed that she’d had children with a man who was capable of taking another man’s life…my father & step-mother are actually the ones who told us…and then we asked my mother about it…I remember after I was told I had this nightmare, that my two brothers and my mom and I were sitting down to dinner, and I was sitting between the table and the wall/window (I was always the skinny one so I always got stuck by the wall) and we were eating and talking and laughing and all of a sudden my father pops up in the window and wraps his arms around my neck and holds a knife to my throat, I woke up screaming…my mom rushed in and hugged me, and kissed my forehead…I was probably 7 or 8…by this age I had realized that my mom wasn’t much into showing emotion…and I had learned how to hide a lot of my emotions…I didn’t cry…and I remember feeling slightly ashamed that I was crying in front of my mom, who I thought was the strongest person in the world, and part of my felt terrified from what I had just dreamed, and part of me felt like the luckiest person on earth for having such a great mom.

 

As a typical teenager girl, my mom and I fought, a lot. But, when I grew up and went away to school & work, and got married & divorced…while I was married, our relationship remained strained…but, she still called every weekend, to see how I was…and now, I’m happy to say she is one of my best friends…

 

My father use to come around about every 2 or 3 years and tried to pretend to be a great father…he took my brother to his baseball game once, and I went a long to watch…and my lil brother never quite felt safe or comfortable around our father…he always wanted me around too, just in case…and I remember our father saying how much gas he’d had to use to pick us up and take us to the game and back home…and having been taught to respect adults, a thought raced to my head, that I didn’t vocalize, now looking back I wished I had…I was probably 12 or 13…I thought, well, Mom does it about 10 times a week, when you consider all 3 kids and all our activities…and never once did I know how much gas it took her…she never complained, even when she was worn down and exhausted…she was always about us kids…so, this father’s day, I want to take a moment to thank all you awesome single mothers…who really are wonderful father’s and deserve to have more than 2 days a year of honor…here are some awesome single mom’s I’ve found by blog reading…take a moment, and stop by there sites, and let ‘em know how awesome they are…I know one day when their kids are older and realize how great their moms are, they let them know…but right now, I’m sure they’d appreciate a little bit of encouragement…so, here they are…in no particular order…

2 Lazy Dogs 

Miss Single Mama

Green Bean Mama

Modern Single Momma

Momma Cum Laude

Single Mom In The City

Memoirs Of A Single Mom

Single Working Mommy

Mommy Pie

QT Mama

Single Mom With A Tot

The Queen Chimes In

TS Quest

P.S. If I forgot anyone, or you know of any great single mother’s who blog out there…please leave me a comment with their url so I can add them, also, if you find a link that doesn’t work, let me know…I’m not too great with all this html stuff…I tested all of them, but that’s not saying much 😉

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People I Knew & People I Thought I Knew

3 06 2008

Was browsing myspace & facebook today and finding people I once knew. A lot of them were people I went to school with that I may not have really liked or even spoke to. And I got to reading their profiles and realized that all the stupid reasons I didn’t like them were just that…stupid. They are really completely different people from who I thought they were. Of course, I realize, people change. I’ve changed a lot since a lot of these people knew me. For example, most of high school I was known as either “David’s little sister” or “John’s big sister”. Today I’m very much different than that. Most people don’t even realize I have 2 brothers. I have become a completely different person than the one I once was. I’m not as “afraid” of people or what they think. I don’t try to be liked. If you like me fine, if not, well, I guess that’s fine too. At one point in my life it killed me for people not to like me. Even if their not liking me was for a really incredibly stupid reason. It didn’t matter. It just hurt to know someone didn’t like me. Most people never knew that about me. Looking back I can see how much I’ve changed. I’ve become a completely independent person. I’ve been living on my own for 5 years now paying all my own bills & balancing my own checkbook. I’ve paid my way through college (although in all fairness I’m still working on that.). I handle my life, completely, 100%. And I couldn’t be happier, I have 100% control…(well as much control as you can have in life)





Photographic Memory of the Boundary Waters, Minnesota

17 05 2008

Even though we struggled (financially) through most of my childhood, I was one of the luckiest girls I knew…why?? Because I got to travel…because I got to go to New York and Minnesota…and all kinds of camps and scouting activites…I was recently scanning in photos of my trip to Boundary Waters Minnesota (I’m guessing it was in 1997, right around there, anyways) , so, I thought I’d share some photographic memories….(p.s. All photos were taken by me, so if you’re going to use them on a website, please link this blog, also, if you know of anyone in these photos, I’d love to catch up with them…just leave a comment.) By the way, I am in at least one of the photos…not going to tell you which one, though 😉 To see the photo bigger, click on it.

 To learn more about the fantastic Boundary Waters visit: http://www.bwcaw.org/ And, here’s a little more info from their website…

Great glaciers carved the physical features of what is today known as the Boundary Waters Canoe Area Wilderness (BWCAW) by scraping and gouging rock. The glaciers left behind rugged cliffs and crags, canyons, gentle hills, towering rock formations, rocky shores, sandy beaches and several thousand lakes and streams, interspersed with islands and surrounded by forest.

The BWCAW is a unique area located in the northern third of the Superior National Forest in northeastern Minnesota. Approximately 1.3 million acres in size, it extends nearly 150 miles along the International Boundary adjacent to Canada’s Quetico Provincial Park and bordered on the west by Voyageurs National Park. The BWCAW contains over 1200 miles of canoe routes, 15 hiking trails and approximately 2000 designated campsites. Wilderness offers freedom to those who wish to pursue an experience of expansive solitude, challenge and personal integration with nature. Because this area was set aside in 1926 to preserve its primitive character and made a part of the National Wilderness Preservation System in 1964, it allows visitors to canoe, portage and camp in the spirit of the French Voyageurs of 200 years ago.





Being Thankful For Toilet Paper

9 05 2008

I’m sure you’ve probably heard the saying “You can take the girl out of the ghetto, but you can’t take the ghetto out of the girl,” or “you can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can’t take the trailer park out of the girl”…. there are many variations of this saying, but to an extent, it’s true. No matter where or how you grew up, and no matter what you do to get away from it, part of it stays with you, no matter what.

 

The trailer I grew up in had no running water. We would go to the local laundry mat to wash clothes, and when we were done we’d unload the car with about 30 empty milk jugs and we’d fill them up in the sink, and carry them back out to the car so we could take them home and have water for the next week.

 

We had a neighbor who lived up on a hill that looked down on our trailer, and every once in a while she’d have on of those “Christian” moments, and would want to help us. So, she’d let us use her outside water hookup to fill up the milk jugs and we’d carry them two at a time back to our trailer, it was about a ¼ a mile walk, and the drive way from her house to ours ran perallel to the main highway and I was so embarrassed, I just knew all my friends from school would be going up or down the road, and wouldn’t want to be friends with me anymore.

 

We use to take sponge baths in the bathroom. It was a treat anytime we stayed at a friend’s house and actually got to take a real shower.

 

A lot of times we could afford the most basic of things. One of the things we sometimes did not have was toilet paper. My mom worked at the college, and therefore got the newspaper for free. She’d bring it home every night, and that’s what we used for toilet paper. Since there wasn’t running water, we only flushed the toilet once a week. The bathroom always smelled of feces. We’d use the newspaper to wipe ourselves, and then put it in the trashcan, and close the toilet lid. Then every week, we’d fill up the toilet tank in order to flush it.

 

I haven’t had to use newspaper as toilet paper in, 6 years, yet sometimes I find myself reaching toward the trashcan thinking I still can’t put paper in the toilet. 

 

Sometimes it’s the simplest, most basic things in life that, make you remember where you came from.





You’re Not 15 Anymore!!

5 05 2008

So, at the party I’ve mentioned that an ex-boyfriend was going to be DJing…we’ll call him Mark. Now Mark and I dated when I was 15 & 16, he was 14 & 15…we meet when I was working at a boyscout camp. I was a lifeguard and he worked in the dinning hall…during the first month we dated he went away to a different camp for a week, during that week I kissed another guy..the guy was 18…I was enthralled by him…he was daring and dangerous (every girl has a story of at least one guy like that)…the guy looked good too…had shoulder length hair…and just, I don’t know…he was a blossoming Fabio in my eyes 🙂 But Mark found out about, and yes I was truthful…somewhat…he thinks all we did was kiss, when in fact it went a lot further…but, why rub salt in a wound, right? Anyways…that was during either a June or July, so we continued dating until Februrary, about a week before Valentine’s he decides he can’t stand it anymore that I was unfaithful to him…to be honest, it was good that it ended, but I was still devastated.

The relationship was very unhealthy…by nature, as I’ve mentioned, I’m a very very private person. I don’t open up to people well….he was always pushing me to share stuff…and to talk about everything…well in the end, it was almost to the point where I couldn’t think or feel for myself…he wanted to be a part of everything…I lost me, trying to be what he wanted.

So, it took a year or so for us to actually communicate…but we moved on and become pretty good friends..we still chat online & email…he’s on my facebook friends list…but there is something about him that just really gets on my nerves…whenever we talk on the phone or any time I go back home & we hang out…I finally figured out what it was…he has not changed at all since we were 15…I’ve changed almost 100%…ecspecially from the person he wanted…he still dresses the same (in fact, I’ve seen him in some of the same shirts he wore when we were 15)…he talks the same…he’s horrible at judging people…they are bored out of their minds and think he’s a complete idiot, yet, he keeps talking…and he likes to talk a lot…mostly about himself…or stuff that relates to himself…no matter what you talk about, somehow it has to come back to him…

In fact, we’re having the party for my grandmother, and there are two elderly ladies there, and they’re sitting and having dinner with my mom…and Mark comes and sits with them, a little while later I’m walking by the table and he’s talking about getting drunk…these are 60-70 year old ladies, church going ladies, anti-drinking ladies and he’s talking about getting drunk??? I mean come on…have a little respect…

So…J loves to harrass me whenever I see Mark, about how I’m still secretly in love with him…J knows it annoys me…he knows Mark annoys me…and I really just want to say to Mark, “You know, we’re not 15 anymore, grow up already!” …kind of hard to fit that into polite dinner conversation, huh?

 

 





It’s History, Just Let It Go

19 04 2008

My family…well, where to begin…My uncle, we’ll call him George…him and my mother have never gotten along…from the stories ever heard, even when they were kids they didn’t get along…more so, than just normal sibling squabbles…This bugs me, mostly, because, well, they won’t let it go…well in all fairness, my mother, just doesn’t really like people, but she never talks about my uncle (his wife, yes, but that I’ll save for a little later)…I still hear stories about how my mother “stole” George’s truck one night and went out joy riding with her friends, and then returned it with a dent, I’m not sure if she offered to pay to have it fixed…heck, she may have taken it herself, later, to get it fixed, I don’t know…it’s a one-sided story…I also get told about how she’d borrow his truck and return it with an empty tank of gas…annoying, yes…but seriously, get over it…Now, these stories all took place before she had three kids…she had my older brother at 18…so even assuming someone was babysitting my brother, all of this happened when she was in her late teens…she’s now 45…so seriously, time for people just to let it go already… I think my mom, was probably pretty wild as a kid/teen…but somewhere in there she decided it was time to grow up, she had 3 kids to raise…that’s why she ditched my father (also more on that later)…

 

My aunt (the evil aunt), George’s wife, is a bitch. There really is just no other way to put it…and let me tell you people, I don’t use that word loosely…if you knew me in person, you’d know that I NEVER say that word, except when it comes to her…she told me once when I was 12 or 13 that she’d fix up a room for me and let me move in because my mother was so mean to me…now, my mother being mean to me…where’d she get that? Well, because I’d vent about her to my granny (who lived with them at the time) and my aunt would be in the room, she thought I was talking to her and my granny, really, I was just stuck with the aunt…But at 12…most teenage girls don’t get along with there mother…I didn’t get along with much of anyone at that age…it’s your rebellion starting…and the last thing an aunt should say, is let me move you in…now maybe, you can come visit any time you need to get a way or, you can come over or call and talk any time you need…even at 12 I knew what she said was wrong…she just has always wanted a daughter, she has 2 sons, and for a very long time she had no other nieces, so…she kept trying to “adopt” me…for Christmas she loved going shopping for me, I’d get all kinds of stuff, my brothers would get a few boring things…nothing really great…I hated that…I’m a protective sister…even if my little brother has been bigger than me since we were in middle school, and even though my older brother is 4 years older than me…I want what’s best for my brother’s…I don’t want to be treated special from them…being born female should give me no special rights or privileges over them…(first time you’ve heard a female say that, huh? I can hear the feminist crying now)…Part of my hatred for her started then.

 

Then she kicked my mother out of her house one time, I don’t even remember what for…I just remember them fighting and my mother saying “Let’s go, we’re not welcome here.” That may have been the time my aunt accused my mother of trying to sabotage her disability benefits…My aunt is not at all disabled…a little mental, or depressed, maybe, but not disabled, she’s lazy…she’s fine if it’s something she wants to do, but she doesn’t want to work…she remodels her house about ever year and a half…I mean really remodels…she’s strips all the cabinets and repaints them…she redoes the counter tops…all by herself…disabled? I think not….Anyways, she told my mother one time that the Social Security office had received an anonymous letter from someone proving that she was not disabled…and (oh it gets so much better than that…)that the social security office gave her a copy of the surveillance tape, and she could tell that it was my mother who went in to the office and gave them that letter….now come on…how many federal office do you know that just give up surveillance tapes?? And at the time, my mother was student teaching and working full-time, while raising the three of us…when would she have had time??

 

What really bugs me though…is they are so much against my mother that begins to effect everyone else, specifically my granny…they are so against helping each other, that they don’t want to help my granny because they think it might help my mother…that’s just wrong.

 

That’s part of why I’m so stressed over this party…they spent my whole childhood judging how my mom raised us…they thought everything she did was wrong…I may not have agreed with everything she did, but she did a pretty damn good job of raising us….none of us are in prison, or knocked up living in trailer parks, so we’ve done better than 65% of our high school….but I know that they will judge everything about this party…and that’s part of why I want it to be so perfect (besides that, I’m a perfectionist)…because I know they’re going to talk…and I want to them to have only nice things to say…even though I know, even if they like it they’re going to say “With her for a mother, I don’t know how that child turned out so well.”…I’ve heard it before, and I smile to myself, because I know that they were wrong, they’ve been wrong, and we’ve risen above that…I’m a much better person than they are…but damn it, I still want everything to be perfect next Saturday….but more importantly, I wish they would all just get over it…just move on and let the past go.





Regrets and Lies

14 04 2008

I’m kind of regretting the intimacy from last night, mainly because I know I can’t take it back. It was almost like, we did that, and now he thinks everything is fine…which it’s not.

 

It’s 7:45 at night, we got off at 5:30, he said he’d be home shortly, that he wasn’t going any where besides home. He called at 6:50 to tell me he was on his way home. We live about 10 minutes from work…I hate when he does that. I don’t care if he goes somewhere else to hang out… just have the common courtesy to call…looks like he’s going to have another cold dinner.

 

I just, I don’t know…I’m regretting last night. He said he wanted to make things work. I’m trying to believe that, but then he does stupid stuff like not call….makes me wonder. But then other moments, he makes me feel like I am the only thing on earth he cares about.

 

I must be giving everyone a very bad view of this relationship. Unfortunately, I started this blog right before all of this happened, otherwise, you’d think we were a great couple. Everyone around us does. Of course, they don’t know everything. They see what they want to see…I guess we all do.

 

I’ve just finally found someone who supports me, and loves me. He encourages my crazy ideas, and helps me however he can. All I have to do is say I need or want something, and it’s mine. He’s the first person to accept me for me…or at least most of me…there’s still a lot he doesn’t know about me…lots I’ve hidden, but it’s because in a way, I’m very much ashamed of what I came from. It varies, there are days I’m proud of everything I’ve accomplished, but then there are days where I’m that 7 year old little girl who’s lieing to her teachers because she doesn’t want them to know that she’s growing up in a home that has no running water. It may not have been an ideal place, but it was home. I never got to really have friends over, or have parties, because I was always worried what would happen if someone found out. I spent so much time hiding our lives, that it’s kind of hard to not. It’s second nature to hide it.

 

A while back, my little brother and I were out to dinner, and he was telling me how he doesn’t mean to lie. He doesn’t want to lie to everyone, but he just can’t stop. That it just comes natural. And he’s right, we spent our entire lives telling people lies, and partially wanting to believe those fantasies ourselves,  that we blurred the line between truth and fiction so much, that we’re not even sure where the line is, much less how to get back over it.