Fireworks

21 06 2008

 

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So, it’s another Saturday morning of awe-inspiring blogging written from my front porch here in good ol’ Chesapeake, Virginia. I’m feeling very optimistic this morning…got a good nights sleep, am eyeing the house work I have to get done, and I don’t think it’s going to be as bad as I thought, of course I am hoping to start tackling the den which is piled up with stuff, but between this weekend and next Sunday I’m hoping to have a futon and end table in there to make a makeshift guest room for my mom while she comes to visit for a week, should be an interesting week.

I live in an older neighborhood, not a ran down neighborhood and not one of those revived neighborhoods, but an established neighborhood… and as I set on my porch stoop and look out there is one house that just pokes out, you just can’t help but notice…because it’s so damn perfect…so perfect in fact, it’s dull. Two medium sized trees in the front yard, 3 little bushes in front of the house, each the same size as the next, and practically exactly the same shape, the yard which is perfectly manicured and completely green, and I mean green, green, like your yard is in the spring for those few precious perfect weeks when it’s just naturally growing well, and green. The white trim & stair case railing is WHITE, not grayish or was white and has a little dirt on it, it’s white, perfectly white…the brick is the color that only new brick can be…the house was built 4 years ago, and it looks as though it were just finished yesterday…and in side, is Mr. and Mrs. Perfect along with baby Perfect. I know, I know, no one is perfect…but you just have to see them to really believe it…he’s a military guy, yet, is always home in time for dinner, and he’s never on deployment…hmm…I’m still wondering how he manages that…she, is now a stay at home mom, so he’s apparently doing pretty well. She gets up early and takes the baby stroller and goes for a walk, and always looks nice and neatly dressed, not annoyingly over dressed, but in normal clothes, yet they look perfect on her… He always looks nice in khaki shorts and either polo shirts or button down shirts that always look fresh from the dry cleaners, yet I never see them bring in dry cleaning…Mrs. Perfect, no doubt. They have a family dinner every night and then go for a walk around the neighborhood taking the baby along and chatting about their perfect day…they wave at all the neighbors “Oh, aren’t they just the perfect little family.” I hear as I drive by on my home from work, and think how easy it’d be to have dinner on the table at 5 if I wasn’t working, at all…but less 45 hours a week. ..she doesn’t seem to shop a whole lot, but every Saturday when she goes to the grocery store, either he goes along or the moment she pulls up in the drive way he rushes out to grab all the groceries…they almost never really smile, yet always give off that vibe of happiness…and they never brag about being happy, even though the vibe is so strong you can smell it…and he wears sandals…and doesn’t even have creepy man feet…strange actually…he could almost be a foot model…and that means something coming from me…feet are creepy, but ecspecially man feel.

 

The odd thing is, part of me really likes Mr. and Mrs. Perfect…they are the kind of people you just want to be friends with so you can in someway be closer to perfection…and then the other part of you, the evil part, wants to be friends with them so you can see inside their house and see if they are really as perfect as they seem….I’m sure they must fight sometimes, but, I never see it…never a hint of it…no one has ever stormed out of the house mad, they never seem annoyed when you say hello, or as you randomly sit on the porch unnoticed…and watch their every move…wondering…can they really be so perfect, yet the proof is there…but obviously I don’t have all the facts…

 

Suddenly, the other day, as I was watching the Perfect baby #1 (apparently #2 is on the way, according to a friend of the Old Hag’s) take some of his first steps across the yard trying to come see our puppy…and trying to make cute like whoofing sounds…They may be perfect, but my god their life is dull…there is no passion coming from over there across the street…My flower beds aren’t as perfectly manicured as theirs…my plants are each growing in their own unique way, and I let them…as long as they stay confined to the flower bed (which at the moment isn’t a problem)…our front porch has some dirt on it…but ever few weeks we sweep it off and make sure there are no dead leaves or sticks on it…about 2 times a year J pressure washes it, just for good measure…our lawn has a few bald spots in it, and one of my solar lights leans a little to the left (or right depending on what side of the porch you are looking from) J and I fight sometimes and one of us will storm out and going else where for our customary cool down sessions…our cars aren’t new, in fact, our newest one is a 98 Ford Taurus which is getting ready to break down every day….our garden hose is almost NEVER put up the way it should be…and out chair cushions pretty much have found a home draped over the porch banister, so when it rains on them, they are already hung up to dry…We’re not perfect by a long shot, but you know, I wouldn’t trade it for Mr. and Mrs. Perfect…I’d like to keep a few fireworks in my life…




Happy Father’s Day, Mom!

15 06 2008

My father left/was kicked out when I was about 3, my older brother was 7 and my baby brother was 1. I never really got to know my father, but what I did know, I didn’t like. He spent a few of those years in prison, for killing a man. That’s something that almost no one knows outside of our family…my ex-husband never even knew that…it’s something very deep and private…in fact, my mother didn’t even want us to know, she was so ashamed that she’d had children with a man who was capable of taking another man’s life…my father & step-mother are actually the ones who told us…and then we asked my mother about it…I remember after I was told I had this nightmare, that my two brothers and my mom and I were sitting down to dinner, and I was sitting between the table and the wall/window (I was always the skinny one so I always got stuck by the wall) and we were eating and talking and laughing and all of a sudden my father pops up in the window and wraps his arms around my neck and holds a knife to my throat, I woke up screaming…my mom rushed in and hugged me, and kissed my forehead…I was probably 7 or 8…by this age I had realized that my mom wasn’t much into showing emotion…and I had learned how to hide a lot of my emotions…I didn’t cry…and I remember feeling slightly ashamed that I was crying in front of my mom, who I thought was the strongest person in the world, and part of my felt terrified from what I had just dreamed, and part of me felt like the luckiest person on earth for having such a great mom.

 

As a typical teenager girl, my mom and I fought, a lot. But, when I grew up and went away to school & work, and got married & divorced…while I was married, our relationship remained strained…but, she still called every weekend, to see how I was…and now, I’m happy to say she is one of my best friends…

 

My father use to come around about every 2 or 3 years and tried to pretend to be a great father…he took my brother to his baseball game once, and I went a long to watch…and my lil brother never quite felt safe or comfortable around our father…he always wanted me around too, just in case…and I remember our father saying how much gas he’d had to use to pick us up and take us to the game and back home…and having been taught to respect adults, a thought raced to my head, that I didn’t vocalize, now looking back I wished I had…I was probably 12 or 13…I thought, well, Mom does it about 10 times a week, when you consider all 3 kids and all our activities…and never once did I know how much gas it took her…she never complained, even when she was worn down and exhausted…she was always about us kids…so, this father’s day, I want to take a moment to thank all you awesome single mothers…who really are wonderful father’s and deserve to have more than 2 days a year of honor…here are some awesome single mom’s I’ve found by blog reading…take a moment, and stop by there sites, and let ‘em know how awesome they are…I know one day when their kids are older and realize how great their moms are, they let them know…but right now, I’m sure they’d appreciate a little bit of encouragement…so, here they are…in no particular order…

2 Lazy Dogs 

Miss Single Mama

Green Bean Mama

Modern Single Momma

Momma Cum Laude

Single Mom In The City

Memoirs Of A Single Mom

Single Working Mommy

Mommy Pie

QT Mama

Single Mom With A Tot

The Queen Chimes In

TS Quest

P.S. If I forgot anyone, or you know of any great single mother’s who blog out there…please leave me a comment with their url so I can add them, also, if you find a link that doesn’t work, let me know…I’m not too great with all this html stuff…I tested all of them, but that’s not saying much 😉





Another Saturday Morning Rant

14 06 2008

It’s 8:20 on Saturday morning and normally I am sitting out on the porch with my computer and spending that time just to relax and reframe for the weekend…I need that down time, before the whole world gets up…and always, outside, because otherwise I’m surrounded by everything I’m suppose to be doing, besides I like the fresh air…unfortunately today, there is no fresh air to be found…we’re getting smoke blown our way from North Carolina…it’s nasty, and stifling…so, I’m stuck inside, and not sure my creative juices are flowing the way I’d like…so, probably going to be a short entry…

 

I did want to take a quick moment to remember someone who just passed away, Mr. Tim Russert…he’s been a part of my Sunday mornings ever since I can remember. He’s a political junkie that inspired me and my fellow Americans to follow and become an active part of our political system, but the more I watch all the memorial TV clips…it shows what an amazing family man he was, and with father’s day being tomorrow, I’m sure he’s going to be exceptionally missed, Tim- Here’s to you, you will be missed.

 

 

 

I’ve been wondering something and maybe you other bloggers/blog readers can help…is it better to have a blog entry every day (or pretty much every day) even if some of those days are just lazy “fill-in” blog entries…like just funny pictures or random stuff you find online…or is it better to just have entries when you really have something to say?





Love, Porn & Blogging

13 06 2008

Editor’s Note: The friday the 13th evils have been corrupting my wireless connection, so my Friday & Saturday post were not actually posted until sunday…sorry for the delays….without further ado, here’s your post-

The whole porn thing always elicits lots of comments & emails…and some of them (a lot of them) advised me not to forgive J…but here’s the deal, I don’t have another good option. I love him, and really he hasn’t given me a reason to believe that he’s not telling the truth, he’s never really hide anything from me before…well, maybe the marijuana thing, but really I’m not sure he really hide that, I think I just kept trying to block it out…but when it comes to the porn thing…I have no reason to believe it wasn’t just an isolated incident…he’s the first guy I’ve ever dated whom did not have porn in accessible place…he didn’t have internet, until I moved in, and I have never ever found so much as a play boy in his house…every other guy I’ve been with I could find porn in their possession in the first week of dating them…so, I really have no reason to not believe him…and the whole sex thing…as much as it pisses me off that it’s been over a month since we’ve slept together, and least he talked to me…and explained he’s just stressed out over the whole money situation and hasn’t really been himself…pretty valid I guess…I actually got asked at work today why he’d been so moody lately…and he has been, so I’m inclined to believe him…maybe I’m stupid, maybe I’m just looking to get my heart broke again, but…I don’t think so in this case…every other relationship I have known in my heart that it wasn’t meant to be (let me tell you, 6 hours alone in a car, you’d be amazed how much you learn about yourself)…I’ve never felt like J and I didn’t belong together, I’ve never felt like this wasn’t suppose to be…I get mad and pissed sometimes…and I’ve noticed a lot of when I bring J up is when I’m upset about something, so he’s really probably not getting a very fair representation, which I’m going to have to work on…you guys should get to know how wonderful he is…I shall work on that in the future.





This Weekend

12 06 2008

It’s been almost a week since I’ve written a “real” blog entry. It’s been a very tiring week…I’ll start you up at this past Friday. A friend of my mom’s organizes a fishing tournament every year in honor of her deceased brother…they hold it at Claytor lake, which is about 30-45 minutes from Blacksburg…she offered to pay me the $200 dollars for gas, plus an extra 50 if I would come up and help. She needed me to be at her house at 5:45 Saturday morning to go set up and handle the registration for the tournament. So, that meant I had to drive up to Roanoke Friday night after work…I didn’t get out of Virginia Beach until 7:45 Friday night and didn’t make it to Roanoke until 1 in the morning. My mom called me when I was about 2 ½ hours outside of Virginia Beach, to let me know that they didn’t need me for registration that they just needed me to handle picking up the food for the picnic afterward, and also the organizers mother….I didn’t have be at the lake until 2, to have everything ready at 4…I could have driven up Saturday morning, damn it! But I was already half way there, so I kept trucking…

 

Saturday I got the lake thing handled…nothing really exciting there…some good photos from the car show which I’ll post at a later date, when J helps me label them with the right year, make and model. So, we’re getting ready to leave the lake and I noticed a dent in the right passenger bumper of J’s beloved truck…not good…I could remember if it had been there before or night…he’d messed up his bumper about 6 months ago, but I could remember of this dent was from that…so I get back to Roanoke (where my mom now lives) at about 7:30 or 8 that night, go take a shower (it was a hot, sweaty day, I felt disgusting) and spent Saturday evening just hanging out with my mom and grandmother and went to bed early…When J called, I didn’t mention the dent, I was tired and exhausted, and figured it could wait until tomorrow.

 

Sunday I got up and went to Hampton Inn and spent some time hanging out with my mom & grandmother and stole some breakfast while they worked (they are breakfast attendants there on weekends) and drank LOTS of coffee…so I left there about 11:30, went and filled up the gas tank and ran by Barnes & Noble for a book on CD and left town about 12:20, 12:30…and when I spoke to J to let him know I was headed back home, I asked if by any chance there was a dent on his truck when he gave it to me…he confirmed that there was a dent on the passenger right front, near the bumper…Thank god!! So very relived by that…then he proceeded to tell me that even if I had dented his truck it was no big deal, it’s just a truck…ha, ha…I picked that I didn’t believe him, that he loved his vehicles more than he did people…little did I know, this was a foreshadowing for something that would happen that evening…I made it all the way from Virginia Beach to Claytor Lake, and from Claytor Lake back to Chesapeake with no problems…I was even half asleep for most of it…so I’m coming down our street and see J come up the other way on the street , and he pulls in the drive way…I go to pull in after him…and obviously didn’t judge the distance from the neighbors fence quite well enough, so I scrap the bumper of the truck along the edge of the fence…all while he’s watching…so much for a warm welcome home…he’s furious…I apologize, tell him I didn’t mean to, and I’d pay to get the bumper fixed… “That’s not the point, why’d you hit the fence.”…So that just made me mad…like I intentionally meant to hit the fence? What could possibly be more fun than pissing off your boyfriend, and the neighbor because you hit her fence with his truck?? Eventually, he came back and apologized for yelling…blamed it on the heat (which could be likely, it was 102 out)…

 

So, very long weekend…very very long…and later that evening I made another fun discovery…I set down to the computer and start to type www.wordpress.com I get through the www.wo and up pops www.womansexy.com, now, anyone who reads my blog, knows…I have a very bad past with men and online pornography…so, I think, maybe it just accidently popped up while he was on the computer this weekend, so I check history…and what do I find?? Several more fun sites…including one about teenagers with big boobs…just what I needed…so of course, that starts a fun fight…I spent 3 years battling with my ex over pornography, and the moment I saw those sites on my computer, that knot built up in my stomach and everything from the past came rushing in, I felt like a 20 year old battling to save her marriage, again….it hurt so much. I just can’t even put it into words. J apologized, told me how it didn’t mean anything…he just looked at the front pages of a few sites, just curious as to what all the hype was about….he didn’t mean to hurt me, how he loved me and didn’t want anyone but me…of course, we haven’t had sex in over month…and I’m gone less than 24 hours and he’s looking at porn online…I’m a little more than upset…I go to bed, he sleeps on the couch…I don’t think either of us got any sleep.

 

Monday, we barely spoke at work…we got home Monday and I cam to the conclusion that I can’t hold against him what my ex did. No matter how much it hurt…J hasn’t really given me a reason to believe he really looks at porn…he’s not technologically savvy enough to hide it from me, and it was only about 4 or 5 sites, and he was true to his word, he had just looked at the front pages, and hadn’t gone any further…I either had to forgive him, or ended over something that stupid…I can’t hold on to that horrible fear and not be willing to forgive…so, I’m making an effort to deal with it…he said something that kind of stuck with me Monday night, he said “Sometimes you are as hard as a rock and then other times you’re curled up in the corner crying and your as fragile as a shell and I have to handle you so gently.” And it’s true…There are days and moments that I am invincible…nothing bothers me, I can tackle anything…and other times, I feel like I’m not worthy to walk on this earth, my less be loved, wanted, or cared about…It’s hard, because I use to be so strong when it came to relationships…my ex-husband tore me apart, and broke my spirit…I’m trying to build it back…but it’s a lot dang harder than it looks…





People I Knew & People I Thought I Knew

3 06 2008

Was browsing myspace & facebook today and finding people I once knew. A lot of them were people I went to school with that I may not have really liked or even spoke to. And I got to reading their profiles and realized that all the stupid reasons I didn’t like them were just that…stupid. They are really completely different people from who I thought they were. Of course, I realize, people change. I’ve changed a lot since a lot of these people knew me. For example, most of high school I was known as either “David’s little sister” or “John’s big sister”. Today I’m very much different than that. Most people don’t even realize I have 2 brothers. I have become a completely different person than the one I once was. I’m not as “afraid” of people or what they think. I don’t try to be liked. If you like me fine, if not, well, I guess that’s fine too. At one point in my life it killed me for people not to like me. Even if their not liking me was for a really incredibly stupid reason. It didn’t matter. It just hurt to know someone didn’t like me. Most people never knew that about me. Looking back I can see how much I’ve changed. I’ve become a completely independent person. I’ve been living on my own for 5 years now paying all my own bills & balancing my own checkbook. I’ve paid my way through college (although in all fairness I’m still working on that.). I handle my life, completely, 100%. And I couldn’t be happier, I have 100% control…(well as much control as you can have in life)





Evil, Evil Sunshine!!

2 06 2008

Please, don’t let that cute little smile fool you…the sun is EVIL…evil evil sun!! Look what he did to me!!!