To All My Faithful Readers

1 06 2008

Here’s the deal…I went to Pontiacs in the Park this weekend…and while I had a great time, I also got sunburnt…very very badly…in fact, I’m in pain right now typing this…I’m in lots of pain…the body is really not very happy right now, so…not really going to have a blog entry today…just wanted to let everyone know what was up…and hopefully, if J helps me out tonight, I’ll have lots of cool pictures posted from the car show & drag racing…For all you car lovers, it should definatly be worth the wait…and I’ve decided that being white as a ghost is WAY better than being red as a lobster…Oh, and the cute sunburn line where my socks were…very very cute…

My cute sunburnt ankle





The Lotion Isn’t Going Over So Smoothly

29 05 2008

This morning, after I drug myself out of bed and hoped in the shower, I noticed something setting on the bath tub ledge…I tried to ignore it, I wanted to ignore…but it just kept staring at me…a lotion bottle…A lotion bottle that’s not mine…it is though a familiar lotion bottle…it belongs to J…J had lotion in the shower with him this morning…why?? Maybe I shouldn’t be considered, but I am…call me scarred. Maybe I should tell you some history as to why I’m so worried…

 

My ex was addicted to sex…not sex with me, just sex and anything having to do with it…specifically porn, but not just that…he liked to experiment and do things that I would never ever even in my craziest dreams have thought of…I really liked porno though, he was addicted…especially to teen pornography, girls about 12-16…I didn’t know all of this when we first got married (hopefully that’s a duh moment…any woman who knew that, what not willingly tie herself to a man for the rest of her life)…All the evidence was probably there… just didn’t see it…When I found out about it…I was hurt and devastated to say the least…

 

The ex NEVER locked our doors…use to drive me nuts…I’m paranoid…I ALWAYS lock the front door…but he never did…so when I’d come home from work and go to open the apartment door and it was locked…I almost knew that it was because he was looking at porn, and by locking the door that gave him a few extra seconds to get it off the computer before I walked in…What really hurt was that it was never that he wanted me…I mean, he had sex with me, but…he never seemed happy with it…I would have done almost anything to make him happy…to feel like I satisfied him…in fact, I did try a lot of stuff that I wasn’t comfortable with…the first being oral sex…I was NEVER comfortable that…that creepy little snake like thing staring at you…and you want me to put that in my mouth?? This, for the girl who can’t even stomach eating a hamburger…or yogurt…meat and creamy white stuff just don’t belong in my mouth…but I tried…I did… tried…I tried several times, and one time he used his hand and pressed my head down into his lap more…I freaked out and he never ever got to have me try that again…

 

He asked me one time if I’d shave my vagina…hmm…what on earth was I thinking…I was crazy enough to do it…turns out several months later, I found out why he wanted me to do that…because then it would seem like I was a teenage girl…you want to talk about trying to traumatize a woman, that’ll do it, being 20 and having your husband want a younger person…because I wasn’t as experimental as he would have liked (although much more so, than I would have liked) he like to masturbate…a lot…my lotion bottle (ahhh…now you’re seeing the link…) my lotion bottle would randomly end up by the computer…or near the bed…one morning  I woke up and the bed was kind of shaking a little…I didn’t turn over, because I could hear what he was doing…he was masturbating, lying right beside me…now a normal man, who woke up and was in the mood…would nudge his woman and be like “hey honey you up for a round…” or something to that effect…anything to that effect would have been nice…but no…he was masturbating while I was lying beside him…I got up, got dressed and left the house…I didn’t know what to do, I was hurt, devastated, disgusted and really just couldn’t stand to look at him…I couldn’t believe he had done that…I couldn’t believe I had married a man who had done that.

 

So, back to my original question…should I be worried that there was a lotion bottle in the shower this morning?? I could always ask J, but…is he going to think I’m a paranoid freak?? Besides, how do you even approach that topic…especially considering…well, considering he hasn’t really been interested in sexually stuff lately…which, is worrisome in itself…when we first started dating…we pretty much “went at it” 2 out of 3 nights…the third night we were so exhausted we fell asleep in each others arms by 9…then, we went to only having relations on weekends…we were too crazy and busy and tired during the week…but even then it was 2 or 3 times a weekend…then it went to once a weekend and now it’s to about 2 times a month…and some months it’s only once…now I understand that couples aren’t as “hot” about each other after a year or so…that’s fine, I get that…and I understand that he’s 42 and so his sex drive is a little lower…understand, but 1 time a month?? Am I supposed to be happy with that?? Maybe it’s the marijuana…that can lower your sex drive, right? Maybe…The craziest part is…is I know it’s not porno, and that he’s not attracted to me (although try telling me that at 12 at night when he’s, ever so politely turned me down, again.)…I know he loves me, but…I just…it’s frustrating!!!! He’s never been one to masturbate, as far as I’m aware…of course he lied to me about the marijuana thing…but that was different…kind of…okay, I’m doing it again, rambling and having crazy thoughts…but the no sex thing, is really really starting to get to me…

 

One little lighter side of life thing…this picture really cheered me up today when I found it on another blog…so I thought I’d share…besides, if you don’t make light of the situtation…it could kill ya.





Love & What I Thought Was Love

28 05 2008

I, once, had a blog…before this one…but I’ve just recently deleted it…but there was a few post that I’m reusing here…this actually was only written a week or so before I started this blog…and it was in my opinion a very good blog…so I’m sharing it here…here ya go:

Okay, so, yeah, blogging is kind of a hard thing for me to do. You see, by nature, I’m a very private person, so the whole idea of writing down my inner most thoughts and then posting them on the internet for the whole world to see, while, it’s frightening, to say the least. I’ve pretty much convinced myself to approach the whole thing as just a journal for me, and try to ignore that whole Blog Stat where it says how many people are reading this…because the bigger that number is, the scarier it is…especially because there are a lot of things in my life that I’m ashamed of, very, very ashamed of.

 

My divorce, I felt like a complete failure because I should have been able to do something to make my marriage work. (Did I mention I’m a little bit of a control freak?) Well, turns out, there was absolutely nothing I could do to make my marriage work. If there is one thing I learned, it’s that to make a relationship work BOTH people have to be 100 % committed, not 95%, I’m talking 100%…nothing else should come before your spouse, then your marriage will work. However, if one of the people aren’t completely committed, it’ll never work. I was 100% committed. I changed my entire life trying to become someone I’m not. I thought that if I put in enough effort, that he’d have to love me, and therefore, we’d make it work….turns out, I didn’t love him, I loved what I thought he was, what I thought he could be…turns out, I was 100% wrong about that…He has some serious serious issues he needs to work out. And no matter how hard I tried, you can’t make some one deal with an addiction if they don’t want to. Now, a lot of divorcees, I know, say how they still have fond feelings for their exes. Yep, not me, not at all. It took me a while, but I realized that I never really loved him, so, no feelings there. I’m not mad anymore, he lead me on, he made me believe he was someone he wasn’t and he wanted me to be something I couldn’t be. I’ve moved on, and I’m ready to close that door in my life…and would be very very happy if people would stop asking me about it.

Now, my current love life, is a 180 from my past. J, is the exact polar opposite of my ex. My ex, use to only care about how things would effect him, it didn’t matter if someone else was happy, he only wanted things that made him happy. Even if he did something they you might think he did to make you happy, really he only did it so you’d say how great he was, he was in it for the praise, not for my happiness. Well, J, goes out of his way to make me happy….he gets up in the middle of the night to get me water, because he knows I’ll wake up and want a drink, he remembers to get not only diet coke at the grocery store, but also the lemon to go with it, he makes the effort to get along with my family, even when he doesn’t really understand them, and because of that, my family adores him, and are so happy that I’m with him…and he’s so funny, he makes me laugh all the time, even when I don’t want to…I get mad at him and he’ll say something and make me smile, and I can’t happy but fall in love with him all over again, and then, well, how can you be mad at a guy like that?? Every moment with him is filled with fun, and love….even when I’m having a bad day at work, he’ll walk up and wrap his arms around m and kiss my forehead, and life is so much better, just from that few little seconds to let me know he loves me….and he’s learned to cook vegetarian stuff, just for me…and doesn’t harass me about not eating meat…he doesn’t make a big deal out of it, it’s just part of our day to day life, he eats meat, I don’t…And yeah, I get asked a lot about that whole 18 year age difference thing, but honestly, it’s not a big deal. I use to think it would be, in fact, I was kind of scared when we first started dating, but turns out, it really doesn’t effect us that much…for one, we’re both pretty much in the same point in our life…and even when things come up, like me wanting to go to New York for the CIA, he’s willing to move…I’ve never had someone say they’d do that for me, I’ve always been the one sacrificing, I’ve never had someone sacrifice for me….and yeah, if we have kids it may make it a little harder, considering he’ll be like, 60 when they graduate high school, but wouldn’t be the first time that’s ever happened, and you know, I’ve always imagined I would have kids, but, I’ve had 3 miscarriages, so the reality of it, is I might not ever be able to have children, but with J, even if I don’t I know we’ll be happy together, I don’t have to have the marriage or the kids to be happy, I have him, and that’s what makes me happy…and speaking of that, I’ve always had a problem with jealous…I was always scared that the man in my life would want someone other than me (of course, they being told that a man wanted a 15 year old over me, could have influenced that)…but with J, I’ve never had that problem…even when he talks with 10 or 15 women a day, and they all tell me how great he is, and not all of them know he’s taken, but, I know that I’m the one he wants, there is no doubt in my mind….and that is the greatest feeling on earth, is knowing that I’m finally on the same page with someone…okay, so I see this has gone on for a page and a half, so I’m getting off of here…see ya’ll tomorrow





Strawberry, Turkey Legs, and Festivals

24 05 2008

Today I went to the 25th annual Pungo Strawberry Festival. I happen to be a HUGE fan of strawberries…strawberry ice cream, strawberry jam, strawberry juice, strawberry shortcake, strawberry starburst, strawberry…well…you get the idea…I LOVE strawberries. I do not, however, love crowds. They annoy me, they agitate me, and they make extremely uncomfortable. The whole, people running into people, the whole general concept that “If I want to stop in the middle of the walk way to stare at something everyone else will go around me”…it very much annoys me. I do like, however, ease dropping on people’s conversations…it’s amazing how much you can learn by ease dropping…

 

America, as a whole, is fat. There is really no denying this…it’s all around us. This semester I’m taking Nutrition…pretty boring so far, but something my professor said, at our last class, really spoke to me. She said we try to do the right thing (when it comes to food) 90% of the time, and the other 10% of the time we allow ourselves to do things we know we shouldn’t, yet want to…kinda like Thanksgiving you know you shouldn’t eat all of that, but you do anyways…Well, the Strawberry Festival is part of my 10%…I had a huge piece of strawberry shortcake covered with strawberries, whipped cream and vanilla ice cream (I’ll post a picture of it later)…now, I thought I was being pretty bad when I had this…Let me make a little disclaimer here, real quick, I am not by any means a health nut…I know a lot of the health nut stuff, even read some of the health nut magazines…but I have standards… I like food, I like good tasting food…I like my nightly bowl of ice cream that I probably shouldn’t have every night…but…I’m starting to realize how the extreme non-health nut half lives…

 

I am walking along at the strawberry fest and hear this woman shout out to her husband “Oh, look the turkey legs we came for!”…And by turkey leg, she really should have said a full turkey…those things are HUGE and deep fried in fat…The stand was slammed full…then there are the really fat people who are chowing down on funnel cakes that are twice the size of my head…and then the huge plate of deep fried potatoes, and nachos slathered in cheese and chili…I understand, not eating healthy all the time…but really, life, is not at all about fat-covered turkey legs…and then you get to overhear the people complaining about the LONG walk from the parking lot to the festival…seriously, it may have (and I’m being very nice here) it may have been a city block…I’m really not sure if it were that…so they complain about the long walk and then sit down and chow down 3000 calories of deep fried “food” and wonder why they’re overweight, have diabetes, high cholesterol and have to take 5 different pills a day at the age of 45…seriously America, wake up.

 

And before I get super upset emails from overweight people who are doing their best to eat right…I understand that there are overweight people who for medical reasons, can’t help it, and can’t lose weight…and I understand that a lot of overweight people are super sweet nice people who really should not be include in the above rant…I do realize that. I’m just pointing out…that America wonders why we’re overweight…you go to a strawberry festival, and there is NO line at the produce stand, but you have to weight 20 minutes at the deep fried fat booth…see the problem?

 

And then, people wonder why kids are obese?? This is what they are seeing…When I was a kid, we use to go to Stepping Out in Blacksburg every year…it was another huge street festival…but they had (and may still) this HUGE fenced in kids area, with all kinds of games and we’d run around like we were nuts and crazy and when we were done, we’d get a single scoop cone of ice cream and then go climb on the fire trucks…no super huge deep fried turkey legs, no fries, no potato curlie things…or nachos, or funnel cakes…we went for the entertainment, not the food…what happened to that??

 

Money saving tip of the day: Want a quick cheap heart attack? Go to McDonald’s not strawberry festivals…not only will you not have to pay for parking, they have a dollar menu.

 

 





Hello, 3 Day Weekend…

23 05 2008

Ahh….Memorial day. The official (well, unofficial, I guess) start to summer…Sun’s out, the pool is open, the birds are rejoicing and me, well…I’m off work for 3 days! Wahooo. I got off at 4 today, came home and changed into some jeans and a t-shirt…knocked out a sink of dishes…have 1 more to go…been a slack this week…cleaned up around the house some, and in a little bit my little brother, John, is coming over, and J, him and I will start up the grill and get summer kicked off right…now this isn’t the first time this year that we’ve got out the grill…we’re those crazy freaks you see grilling in December…but, it’s just something about Memorial day weekend, you just have to grill…even for a vegetarian…nothing says summer like lighting up the BBQ…I’m not a summer person, actually, I hate hot weather, but, still there is something about the end of May and the first of June when the weather is hot enough in the day to go swimming or kayaking and cools down in the evening so you might just need a light sweater…but you can sleep with the windows open, and the ceiling fan going and life is good…like it use to be, before everything became so complicated…So, I’ve got a great book calling my name…the puppy has the ball all ready to go, the grill is warm, John is on his way here, and J…well is working on something (I think yard work)…as usual…so, you guys have a great night…I know I will…Hello summer, here I come.





PMS Sucks

22 05 2008

If you’re a female, you understand the above statement. So, my period started today…or as I fondly call it “that time of the month.”…that time of the month has ALWAYS been difficult on me, ever since the very first one when I was like 12 and had to go tell my mother that it’d started…it’s been painful…physically…it’s been very painful…and so tonight, I’m going to bed early…I’ll talk to you all tomorrow.





Serial Killers and Happiness

13 05 2008

So I was watching Women’s Murder Club tonight. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the show, the main character is Lindsey, a police detective, who has been haunted by a serial killer she’s never been able to catch. She calls him the kiss-me-not killer…she became so obsessed with it she ended up divorced…and her love life has pretty much spiraled down hill, because she’s too busy being a cop…until this guy Pete comes around…she’s at the airport (generic place for love connections/revelations)…and she tells him that she hasn’t known how to let herself be happy….but she was ready to try…she was ready to let herself be happy.

 

I think we all have kiss-me-not killers in our lives…no matter how big or small, if just regret over something you did yesterday or a mistake you made 10 years ago…you learn from them, but you have to let go…you have to let go to move on….which is a lot easier said than done….but the reason I brought this up, is ironically…this evening, right before the show came on and J was headed to bed, I was thinking how great my life is going…J and I are madly in love and getting along great, work…well, is work, but at least it’s decent paying and pretty stable…I’m getting closer to my family, especially my little brother…and, I was bracing for something bad to happen…”bad things always happen when things are going great…something bad is going to mess this all up”…and  that’s the attitude I’ve always had, don’t get too comfortable because something is going to come mess it up…maybe that something is me…maybe that attitude is what’s ruining stuff, maybe it’s because I can’t let myself be happy…I want to, I want to be happy, and I’m ready to let me be happy.