This Weekend

12 06 2008

It’s been almost a week since I’ve written a “real” blog entry. It’s been a very tiring week…I’ll start you up at this past Friday. A friend of my mom’s organizes a fishing tournament every year in honor of her deceased brother…they hold it at Claytor lake, which is about 30-45 minutes from Blacksburg…she offered to pay me the $200 dollars for gas, plus an extra 50 if I would come up and help. She needed me to be at her house at 5:45 Saturday morning to go set up and handle the registration for the tournament. So, that meant I had to drive up to Roanoke Friday night after work…I didn’t get out of Virginia Beach until 7:45 Friday night and didn’t make it to Roanoke until 1 in the morning. My mom called me when I was about 2 ½ hours outside of Virginia Beach, to let me know that they didn’t need me for registration that they just needed me to handle picking up the food for the picnic afterward, and also the organizers mother….I didn’t have be at the lake until 2, to have everything ready at 4…I could have driven up Saturday morning, damn it! But I was already half way there, so I kept trucking…


Saturday I got the lake thing handled…nothing really exciting there…some good photos from the car show which I’ll post at a later date, when J helps me label them with the right year, make and model. So, we’re getting ready to leave the lake and I noticed a dent in the right passenger bumper of J’s beloved truck…not good…I could remember if it had been there before or night…he’d messed up his bumper about 6 months ago, but I could remember of this dent was from that…so I get back to Roanoke (where my mom now lives) at about 7:30 or 8 that night, go take a shower (it was a hot, sweaty day, I felt disgusting) and spent Saturday evening just hanging out with my mom and grandmother and went to bed early…When J called, I didn’t mention the dent, I was tired and exhausted, and figured it could wait until tomorrow.


Sunday I got up and went to Hampton Inn and spent some time hanging out with my mom & grandmother and stole some breakfast while they worked (they are breakfast attendants there on weekends) and drank LOTS of coffee…so I left there about 11:30, went and filled up the gas tank and ran by Barnes & Noble for a book on CD and left town about 12:20, 12:30…and when I spoke to J to let him know I was headed back home, I asked if by any chance there was a dent on his truck when he gave it to me…he confirmed that there was a dent on the passenger right front, near the bumper…Thank god!! So very relived by that…then he proceeded to tell me that even if I had dented his truck it was no big deal, it’s just a truck…ha, ha…I picked that I didn’t believe him, that he loved his vehicles more than he did people…little did I know, this was a foreshadowing for something that would happen that evening…I made it all the way from Virginia Beach to Claytor Lake, and from Claytor Lake back to Chesapeake with no problems…I was even half asleep for most of it…so I’m coming down our street and see J come up the other way on the street , and he pulls in the drive way…I go to pull in after him…and obviously didn’t judge the distance from the neighbors fence quite well enough, so I scrap the bumper of the truck along the edge of the fence…all while he’s watching…so much for a warm welcome home…he’s furious…I apologize, tell him I didn’t mean to, and I’d pay to get the bumper fixed… “That’s not the point, why’d you hit the fence.”…So that just made me mad…like I intentionally meant to hit the fence? What could possibly be more fun than pissing off your boyfriend, and the neighbor because you hit her fence with his truck?? Eventually, he came back and apologized for yelling…blamed it on the heat (which could be likely, it was 102 out)…


So, very long weekend…very very long…and later that evening I made another fun discovery…I set down to the computer and start to type I get through the www.wo and up pops, now, anyone who reads my blog, knows…I have a very bad past with men and online pornography…so, I think, maybe it just accidently popped up while he was on the computer this weekend, so I check history…and what do I find?? Several more fun sites…including one about teenagers with big boobs…just what I needed…so of course, that starts a fun fight…I spent 3 years battling with my ex over pornography, and the moment I saw those sites on my computer, that knot built up in my stomach and everything from the past came rushing in, I felt like a 20 year old battling to save her marriage, again….it hurt so much. I just can’t even put it into words. J apologized, told me how it didn’t mean anything…he just looked at the front pages of a few sites, just curious as to what all the hype was about….he didn’t mean to hurt me, how he loved me and didn’t want anyone but me…of course, we haven’t had sex in over month…and I’m gone less than 24 hours and he’s looking at porn online…I’m a little more than upset…I go to bed, he sleeps on the couch…I don’t think either of us got any sleep.


Monday, we barely spoke at work…we got home Monday and I cam to the conclusion that I can’t hold against him what my ex did. No matter how much it hurt…J hasn’t really given me a reason to believe he really looks at porn…he’s not technologically savvy enough to hide it from me, and it was only about 4 or 5 sites, and he was true to his word, he had just looked at the front pages, and hadn’t gone any further…I either had to forgive him, or ended over something that stupid…I can’t hold on to that horrible fear and not be willing to forgive…so, I’m making an effort to deal with it…he said something that kind of stuck with me Monday night, he said “Sometimes you are as hard as a rock and then other times you’re curled up in the corner crying and your as fragile as a shell and I have to handle you so gently.” And it’s true…There are days and moments that I am invincible…nothing bothers me, I can tackle anything…and other times, I feel like I’m not worthy to walk on this earth, my less be loved, wanted, or cared about…It’s hard, because I use to be so strong when it came to relationships…my ex-husband tore me apart, and broke my spirit…I’m trying to build it back…but it’s a lot dang harder than it looks…

The Lotion Isn’t Going Over So Smoothly

29 05 2008

This morning, after I drug myself out of bed and hoped in the shower, I noticed something setting on the bath tub ledge…I tried to ignore it, I wanted to ignore…but it just kept staring at me…a lotion bottle…A lotion bottle that’s not mine…it is though a familiar lotion bottle…it belongs to J…J had lotion in the shower with him this morning…why?? Maybe I shouldn’t be considered, but I am…call me scarred. Maybe I should tell you some history as to why I’m so worried…


My ex was addicted to sex…not sex with me, just sex and anything having to do with it…specifically porn, but not just that…he liked to experiment and do things that I would never ever even in my craziest dreams have thought of…I really liked porno though, he was addicted…especially to teen pornography, girls about 12-16…I didn’t know all of this when we first got married (hopefully that’s a duh moment…any woman who knew that, what not willingly tie herself to a man for the rest of her life)…All the evidence was probably there… just didn’t see it…When I found out about it…I was hurt and devastated to say the least…


The ex NEVER locked our doors…use to drive me nuts…I’m paranoid…I ALWAYS lock the front door…but he never did…so when I’d come home from work and go to open the apartment door and it was locked…I almost knew that it was because he was looking at porn, and by locking the door that gave him a few extra seconds to get it off the computer before I walked in…What really hurt was that it was never that he wanted me…I mean, he had sex with me, but…he never seemed happy with it…I would have done almost anything to make him happy…to feel like I satisfied him…in fact, I did try a lot of stuff that I wasn’t comfortable with…the first being oral sex…I was NEVER comfortable that…that creepy little snake like thing staring at you…and you want me to put that in my mouth?? This, for the girl who can’t even stomach eating a hamburger…or yogurt…meat and creamy white stuff just don’t belong in my mouth…but I tried…I did… tried…I tried several times, and one time he used his hand and pressed my head down into his lap more…I freaked out and he never ever got to have me try that again…


He asked me one time if I’d shave my vagina…hmm…what on earth was I thinking…I was crazy enough to do it…turns out several months later, I found out why he wanted me to do that…because then it would seem like I was a teenage girl…you want to talk about trying to traumatize a woman, that’ll do it, being 20 and having your husband want a younger person…because I wasn’t as experimental as he would have liked (although much more so, than I would have liked) he like to masturbate…a lot…my lotion bottle (ahhh…now you’re seeing the link…) my lotion bottle would randomly end up by the computer…or near the bed…one morning  I woke up and the bed was kind of shaking a little…I didn’t turn over, because I could hear what he was doing…he was masturbating, lying right beside me…now a normal man, who woke up and was in the mood…would nudge his woman and be like “hey honey you up for a round…” or something to that effect…anything to that effect would have been nice…but no…he was masturbating while I was lying beside him…I got up, got dressed and left the house…I didn’t know what to do, I was hurt, devastated, disgusted and really just couldn’t stand to look at him…I couldn’t believe he had done that…I couldn’t believe I had married a man who had done that.


So, back to my original question…should I be worried that there was a lotion bottle in the shower this morning?? I could always ask J, but…is he going to think I’m a paranoid freak?? Besides, how do you even approach that topic…especially considering…well, considering he hasn’t really been interested in sexually stuff lately…which, is worrisome in itself…when we first started dating…we pretty much “went at it” 2 out of 3 nights…the third night we were so exhausted we fell asleep in each others arms by 9…then, we went to only having relations on weekends…we were too crazy and busy and tired during the week…but even then it was 2 or 3 times a weekend…then it went to once a weekend and now it’s to about 2 times a month…and some months it’s only once…now I understand that couples aren’t as “hot” about each other after a year or so…that’s fine, I get that…and I understand that he’s 42 and so his sex drive is a little lower…understand, but 1 time a month?? Am I supposed to be happy with that?? Maybe it’s the marijuana…that can lower your sex drive, right? Maybe…The craziest part is…is I know it’s not porno, and that he’s not attracted to me (although try telling me that at 12 at night when he’s, ever so politely turned me down, again.)…I know he loves me, but…I just…it’s frustrating!!!! He’s never been one to masturbate, as far as I’m aware…of course he lied to me about the marijuana thing…but that was different…kind of…okay, I’m doing it again, rambling and having crazy thoughts…but the no sex thing, is really really starting to get to me…


One little lighter side of life thing…this picture really cheered me up today when I found it on another blog…so I thought I’d share…besides, if you don’t make light of the situtation…it could kill ya.

Love & What I Thought Was Love

28 05 2008

I, once, had a blog…before this one…but I’ve just recently deleted it…but there was a few post that I’m reusing here…this actually was only written a week or so before I started this blog…and it was in my opinion a very good blog…so I’m sharing it here…here ya go:

Okay, so, yeah, blogging is kind of a hard thing for me to do. You see, by nature, I’m a very private person, so the whole idea of writing down my inner most thoughts and then posting them on the internet for the whole world to see, while, it’s frightening, to say the least. I’ve pretty much convinced myself to approach the whole thing as just a journal for me, and try to ignore that whole Blog Stat where it says how many people are reading this…because the bigger that number is, the scarier it is…especially because there are a lot of things in my life that I’m ashamed of, very, very ashamed of.


My divorce, I felt like a complete failure because I should have been able to do something to make my marriage work. (Did I mention I’m a little bit of a control freak?) Well, turns out, there was absolutely nothing I could do to make my marriage work. If there is one thing I learned, it’s that to make a relationship work BOTH people have to be 100 % committed, not 95%, I’m talking 100%…nothing else should come before your spouse, then your marriage will work. However, if one of the people aren’t completely committed, it’ll never work. I was 100% committed. I changed my entire life trying to become someone I’m not. I thought that if I put in enough effort, that he’d have to love me, and therefore, we’d make it work….turns out, I didn’t love him, I loved what I thought he was, what I thought he could be…turns out, I was 100% wrong about that…He has some serious serious issues he needs to work out. And no matter how hard I tried, you can’t make some one deal with an addiction if they don’t want to. Now, a lot of divorcees, I know, say how they still have fond feelings for their exes. Yep, not me, not at all. It took me a while, but I realized that I never really loved him, so, no feelings there. I’m not mad anymore, he lead me on, he made me believe he was someone he wasn’t and he wanted me to be something I couldn’t be. I’ve moved on, and I’m ready to close that door in my life…and would be very very happy if people would stop asking me about it.

Now, my current love life, is a 180 from my past. J, is the exact polar opposite of my ex. My ex, use to only care about how things would effect him, it didn’t matter if someone else was happy, he only wanted things that made him happy. Even if he did something they you might think he did to make you happy, really he only did it so you’d say how great he was, he was in it for the praise, not for my happiness. Well, J, goes out of his way to make me happy….he gets up in the middle of the night to get me water, because he knows I’ll wake up and want a drink, he remembers to get not only diet coke at the grocery store, but also the lemon to go with it, he makes the effort to get along with my family, even when he doesn’t really understand them, and because of that, my family adores him, and are so happy that I’m with him…and he’s so funny, he makes me laugh all the time, even when I don’t want to…I get mad at him and he’ll say something and make me smile, and I can’t happy but fall in love with him all over again, and then, well, how can you be mad at a guy like that?? Every moment with him is filled with fun, and love….even when I’m having a bad day at work, he’ll walk up and wrap his arms around m and kiss my forehead, and life is so much better, just from that few little seconds to let me know he loves me….and he’s learned to cook vegetarian stuff, just for me…and doesn’t harass me about not eating meat…he doesn’t make a big deal out of it, it’s just part of our day to day life, he eats meat, I don’t…And yeah, I get asked a lot about that whole 18 year age difference thing, but honestly, it’s not a big deal. I use to think it would be, in fact, I was kind of scared when we first started dating, but turns out, it really doesn’t effect us that much…for one, we’re both pretty much in the same point in our life…and even when things come up, like me wanting to go to New York for the CIA, he’s willing to move…I’ve never had someone say they’d do that for me, I’ve always been the one sacrificing, I’ve never had someone sacrifice for me….and yeah, if we have kids it may make it a little harder, considering he’ll be like, 60 when they graduate high school, but wouldn’t be the first time that’s ever happened, and you know, I’ve always imagined I would have kids, but, I’ve had 3 miscarriages, so the reality of it, is I might not ever be able to have children, but with J, even if I don’t I know we’ll be happy together, I don’t have to have the marriage or the kids to be happy, I have him, and that’s what makes me happy…and speaking of that, I’ve always had a problem with jealous…I was always scared that the man in my life would want someone other than me (of course, they being told that a man wanted a 15 year old over me, could have influenced that)…but with J, I’ve never had that problem…even when he talks with 10 or 15 women a day, and they all tell me how great he is, and not all of them know he’s taken, but, I know that I’m the one he wants, there is no doubt in my mind….and that is the greatest feeling on earth, is knowing that I’m finally on the same page with someone…okay, so I see this has gone on for a page and a half, so I’m getting off of here…see ya’ll tomorrow

Lovemaking Versus well…F***ing

15 04 2008

Again tonight, we were intimate. It was good. I wouldn’t call it love making, in fact, to be 100% blunt, it was fucking…I mean, we love each other, and that’s why we sleep together, but tonight, I think we just both had so much emotion that we haven’t expressed that we just went at it.


Now, I really hate to say this. And J was KILL me if he knew this…hence, why I don’t tell him…but J is great at the fucking, and the normal sex, but when you really want love making….he’s not so good…now any guys reading this will say that there is no difference, any girls reading this will understand 100% what I’m talking about…fucking is purely physical…that’s when all the dirty talk and 69ing comes in…lovemaking, is much more intimate…it’s more loving, more eye contact, more kissing, more “I Love You”s…My ex, was actually pretty good at the love making…horrible at everything else though…(yep I know…I’m evil for saying that)…He was good at pretending to be in love with me, and therefore very good at pretending to make love to me…although now, the thought that I ever kissed him, much less slept with him just creeps me out. All I can think about when his name is mentioned is him…doing a 15 year-old girl behind their parents back…or jacking off to naked 15 year olds on the internet…he actually argued with me once on what constituted child pornography…I’d found sites on his computer, and he told me it wasn’t child porn because they were in clothes…not much clothes, but clothes…therefore it wasn’t child porn…what the hell does it matter….it’s sick!!!


Well…enough on the ex…that’s enough to bring any blog down….

Bringing Up Painful Memories

10 04 2008

Things are a little better, we at least speak to each other…although we still aren’t at all touchy feely…and don’t speak about to much, except about the functions of the day.


I’m just more upset about the fact that he spent two years with me, and lied to me about it, every time it came up…it hurts.


The ex did kind of the same thing, except he kept another time of addiction from me. He was addicted to pornography, specifically of young girls…it use to disgust me so much to think of him looking at that, and then touching me…I actually slept with that man…I lost my virginity to that man…and not only was he lusting over pornography, but also a 15 year old girl that he use to know from his church…my husband wanted a 15 year old over me…nothing like being left for a younger woman when you’re 22…what I think, hurt me the most, was all the evidence was right in front of me, the whole time, and I just didn’t want to see it…I guess you could say the same thing this time.


I’m tired of hurting, I love J, but…I don’t want another relationship where I invest so much hurt and soul, just to get crushed.


We again, went to sleep without touching.