Fireworks

21 06 2008

 

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So, it’s another Saturday morning of awe-inspiring blogging written from my front porch here in good ol’ Chesapeake, Virginia. I’m feeling very optimistic this morning…got a good nights sleep, am eyeing the house work I have to get done, and I don’t think it’s going to be as bad as I thought, of course I am hoping to start tackling the den which is piled up with stuff, but between this weekend and next Sunday I’m hoping to have a futon and end table in there to make a makeshift guest room for my mom while she comes to visit for a week, should be an interesting week.

I live in an older neighborhood, not a ran down neighborhood and not one of those revived neighborhoods, but an established neighborhood… and as I set on my porch stoop and look out there is one house that just pokes out, you just can’t help but notice…because it’s so damn perfect…so perfect in fact, it’s dull. Two medium sized trees in the front yard, 3 little bushes in front of the house, each the same size as the next, and practically exactly the same shape, the yard which is perfectly manicured and completely green, and I mean green, green, like your yard is in the spring for those few precious perfect weeks when it’s just naturally growing well, and green. The white trim & stair case railing is WHITE, not grayish or was white and has a little dirt on it, it’s white, perfectly white…the brick is the color that only new brick can be…the house was built 4 years ago, and it looks as though it were just finished yesterday…and in side, is Mr. and Mrs. Perfect along with baby Perfect. I know, I know, no one is perfect…but you just have to see them to really believe it…he’s a military guy, yet, is always home in time for dinner, and he’s never on deployment…hmm…I’m still wondering how he manages that…she, is now a stay at home mom, so he’s apparently doing pretty well. She gets up early and takes the baby stroller and goes for a walk, and always looks nice and neatly dressed, not annoyingly over dressed, but in normal clothes, yet they look perfect on her… He always looks nice in khaki shorts and either polo shirts or button down shirts that always look fresh from the dry cleaners, yet I never see them bring in dry cleaning…Mrs. Perfect, no doubt. They have a family dinner every night and then go for a walk around the neighborhood taking the baby along and chatting about their perfect day…they wave at all the neighbors “Oh, aren’t they just the perfect little family.” I hear as I drive by on my home from work, and think how easy it’d be to have dinner on the table at 5 if I wasn’t working, at all…but less 45 hours a week. ..she doesn’t seem to shop a whole lot, but every Saturday when she goes to the grocery store, either he goes along or the moment she pulls up in the drive way he rushes out to grab all the groceries…they almost never really smile, yet always give off that vibe of happiness…and they never brag about being happy, even though the vibe is so strong you can smell it…and he wears sandals…and doesn’t even have creepy man feet…strange actually…he could almost be a foot model…and that means something coming from me…feet are creepy, but ecspecially man feel.

 

The odd thing is, part of me really likes Mr. and Mrs. Perfect…they are the kind of people you just want to be friends with so you can in someway be closer to perfection…and then the other part of you, the evil part, wants to be friends with them so you can see inside their house and see if they are really as perfect as they seem….I’m sure they must fight sometimes, but, I never see it…never a hint of it…no one has ever stormed out of the house mad, they never seem annoyed when you say hello, or as you randomly sit on the porch unnoticed…and watch their every move…wondering…can they really be so perfect, yet the proof is there…but obviously I don’t have all the facts…

 

Suddenly, the other day, as I was watching the Perfect baby #1 (apparently #2 is on the way, according to a friend of the Old Hag’s) take some of his first steps across the yard trying to come see our puppy…and trying to make cute like whoofing sounds…They may be perfect, but my god their life is dull…there is no passion coming from over there across the street…My flower beds aren’t as perfectly manicured as theirs…my plants are each growing in their own unique way, and I let them…as long as they stay confined to the flower bed (which at the moment isn’t a problem)…our front porch has some dirt on it…but ever few weeks we sweep it off and make sure there are no dead leaves or sticks on it…about 2 times a year J pressure washes it, just for good measure…our lawn has a few bald spots in it, and one of my solar lights leans a little to the left (or right depending on what side of the porch you are looking from) J and I fight sometimes and one of us will storm out and going else where for our customary cool down sessions…our cars aren’t new, in fact, our newest one is a 98 Ford Taurus which is getting ready to break down every day….our garden hose is almost NEVER put up the way it should be…and out chair cushions pretty much have found a home draped over the porch banister, so when it rains on them, they are already hung up to dry…We’re not perfect by a long shot, but you know, I wouldn’t trade it for Mr. and Mrs. Perfect…I’d like to keep a few fireworks in my life…
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Love & What I Thought Was Love

28 05 2008

I, once, had a blog…before this one…but I’ve just recently deleted it…but there was a few post that I’m reusing here…this actually was only written a week or so before I started this blog…and it was in my opinion a very good blog…so I’m sharing it here…here ya go:

Okay, so, yeah, blogging is kind of a hard thing for me to do. You see, by nature, I’m a very private person, so the whole idea of writing down my inner most thoughts and then posting them on the internet for the whole world to see, while, it’s frightening, to say the least. I’ve pretty much convinced myself to approach the whole thing as just a journal for me, and try to ignore that whole Blog Stat where it says how many people are reading this…because the bigger that number is, the scarier it is…especially because there are a lot of things in my life that I’m ashamed of, very, very ashamed of.

 

My divorce, I felt like a complete failure because I should have been able to do something to make my marriage work. (Did I mention I’m a little bit of a control freak?) Well, turns out, there was absolutely nothing I could do to make my marriage work. If there is one thing I learned, it’s that to make a relationship work BOTH people have to be 100 % committed, not 95%, I’m talking 100%…nothing else should come before your spouse, then your marriage will work. However, if one of the people aren’t completely committed, it’ll never work. I was 100% committed. I changed my entire life trying to become someone I’m not. I thought that if I put in enough effort, that he’d have to love me, and therefore, we’d make it work….turns out, I didn’t love him, I loved what I thought he was, what I thought he could be…turns out, I was 100% wrong about that…He has some serious serious issues he needs to work out. And no matter how hard I tried, you can’t make some one deal with an addiction if they don’t want to. Now, a lot of divorcees, I know, say how they still have fond feelings for their exes. Yep, not me, not at all. It took me a while, but I realized that I never really loved him, so, no feelings there. I’m not mad anymore, he lead me on, he made me believe he was someone he wasn’t and he wanted me to be something I couldn’t be. I’ve moved on, and I’m ready to close that door in my life…and would be very very happy if people would stop asking me about it.

Now, my current love life, is a 180 from my past. J, is the exact polar opposite of my ex. My ex, use to only care about how things would effect him, it didn’t matter if someone else was happy, he only wanted things that made him happy. Even if he did something they you might think he did to make you happy, really he only did it so you’d say how great he was, he was in it for the praise, not for my happiness. Well, J, goes out of his way to make me happy….he gets up in the middle of the night to get me water, because he knows I’ll wake up and want a drink, he remembers to get not only diet coke at the grocery store, but also the lemon to go with it, he makes the effort to get along with my family, even when he doesn’t really understand them, and because of that, my family adores him, and are so happy that I’m with him…and he’s so funny, he makes me laugh all the time, even when I don’t want to…I get mad at him and he’ll say something and make me smile, and I can’t happy but fall in love with him all over again, and then, well, how can you be mad at a guy like that?? Every moment with him is filled with fun, and love….even when I’m having a bad day at work, he’ll walk up and wrap his arms around m and kiss my forehead, and life is so much better, just from that few little seconds to let me know he loves me….and he’s learned to cook vegetarian stuff, just for me…and doesn’t harass me about not eating meat…he doesn’t make a big deal out of it, it’s just part of our day to day life, he eats meat, I don’t…And yeah, I get asked a lot about that whole 18 year age difference thing, but honestly, it’s not a big deal. I use to think it would be, in fact, I was kind of scared when we first started dating, but turns out, it really doesn’t effect us that much…for one, we’re both pretty much in the same point in our life…and even when things come up, like me wanting to go to New York for the CIA, he’s willing to move…I’ve never had someone say they’d do that for me, I’ve always been the one sacrificing, I’ve never had someone sacrifice for me….and yeah, if we have kids it may make it a little harder, considering he’ll be like, 60 when they graduate high school, but wouldn’t be the first time that’s ever happened, and you know, I’ve always imagined I would have kids, but, I’ve had 3 miscarriages, so the reality of it, is I might not ever be able to have children, but with J, even if I don’t I know we’ll be happy together, I don’t have to have the marriage or the kids to be happy, I have him, and that’s what makes me happy…and speaking of that, I’ve always had a problem with jealous…I was always scared that the man in my life would want someone other than me (of course, they being told that a man wanted a 15 year old over me, could have influenced that)…but with J, I’ve never had that problem…even when he talks with 10 or 15 women a day, and they all tell me how great he is, and not all of them know he’s taken, but, I know that I’m the one he wants, there is no doubt in my mind….and that is the greatest feeling on earth, is knowing that I’m finally on the same page with someone…okay, so I see this has gone on for a page and a half, so I’m getting off of here…see ya’ll tomorrow





A Two Year Old Secret Comes To Light

5 04 2008

So, I’ve never really been into drugs. I just think it’s stupid to put that stuff in your body. I’m not a health nut, but I also don’t want to go out of my way to hurt myself either…not too much into the self-destructive behavior….my little brother, however, has for a long time struggled to get away from certain friends of his that encouraged him to experiment with drugs. His main addiction was marijuana…last April my brother moved in with me, to help put distance between him and his illegal hobbies…And I’m so very happy to report that he is getting ready to celebrate his 1 year anniversary of being drug free. I’m so excited for him!!

 

As great as that is, something else is eating at me. J (the boyfriend)…He has a friend, who’s a fisherman…owns his own crabbing company…we’ll just refer to him as Capt…well, Capt, likes to drink and smoke marijuana…I’ve known this for 2 years now…every year him and his significant other throws him a huge birthday party…lots of food, crabs, oysters, huge bonfire and lots of beer…once the…how should I put this…more…ummm…legally abiding citizens leave, joints have a tendency to be passed around…they’ve always been courtesy to me, and anyone else who does not partake, they just skip us and don’t say a word… what’s bothering me, is two years ago, after the first party I attended, Joel was driving me back to my car (I always meet up with boyfriends, when I first started dating them, that away not everyone knew where I lived, as I lived alone at the time.)…we always left my car behind the shop we both work at….he’d always drive me back and then we’d end up sitting for an hour or two talking…well…this particular night was the first night we’d ever kissed, sitting in front of the bonfire at Capt’s….so we spent quite a bit of time in his truck snuggling and kissing and just talking, and getting to know one another…(you know, those carefree first days of a relationship.) Well, one of the things that came up was drugs…he explained to me that he use to do marijuana, yet no longer does….which was no problem to me. I’ve made mistakes in my past, I don’t think people should have their past held against them. (For most stuff).

 

Last year, at Capt’s Christmas party, I watch J participate in the joint passing, when we got him I mentioned it to him. And mentioned how I really was against his use of it….if for no other reason, we’re planning on having children together…I’ve had 3 miscarriages, and don’t think we should harm what little chances we have of being able to successfully have children…I made a pretty big deal out of it, and questioned how often he’s doing it….he told me it was just a one time thing…no big deal…he hasn’t done it in a very long time…and promised he wouldn’t do it anymore, if it upset me that much…I let it go…

 

Until two weekends ago, when again at Capt’s birthday party, he again participated in the joint passing…we didn’t get home until late and we’d both drank too much, so, I let it go, and tried not to dwell on it…just thinking, he doesn’t want his friends to think I’m turning him into a wuss…so, I didn’t say a word, but he knew I was happy about it.

 

For a while now I’ve been thinking I’ve smelt marijuana when I walked into the garage, or on his jacket when he comes home…I just chalked it up to paranoia, and just kind of let it go, while making a mental note to watch for it…and quite a few times I walk into the garage, and it’s like he’s shielding something from me, and always finds a reason to lead me outside…again, I chalked it up to paranoia, and just let it go, reasoning I didn’t really have any real proof that he was doing anything…well, that was until tonight…

 

We spent the day working on the bedroom remodel. We sanded the floor & Minwaxed it…once that’s completely done, all we have left to do is a little bit of touch up paint…so J finished Minwaxing while I finished up some other stuff in the kitchen. So, he gets done and tells me he’s going to go out to the garage to get some stuff done, and to go ahead and order the pizza, so he goes out to the garage and I order the pizza…a few minutes later I walk out to the garage, and when I get ready to walk in (the door is standing open), I see him with his back to me facing his tool box, and notice him exhaling something (he doesn’t smoke)…he looks back and sees me and practically jumped through the roof he was so startled…so I see him throw something to the back of the tool box and reach up to the shelf above him, trying to act like he was doing something else…again he tries to get me out of the garage…I made some excuse to walk to the other side of the garage, and you could practically see him sweating…I never saw the joint, but I’m 99.9% sure it’s there…so I come back inside and get ready to go take a bath, I see him in the garage (through the kitchen window, which looks right through the garage window) and he’s peeking out the window to see if I’m watching…I pretend to be washing dishes and not paying attention…I see him lean over, to where I can’t see him, to finish his joint…I’m soooo mad at this point… I got to take a bath…he comes inside and he’s super super sweet…gets my pizza for me, ask me if a need a napkin…I get up to get a drink and he tells me how he can do that for me…to go set down and relax…he goes out of his way to try and make me extra happy…he knows I know…I’m exhausted…I’m going to bed…I’m need some time to think about everything…my god, we’ve just moved in together…would have been nice to know for sure that he was doing this before now…

 

 





My First Blog!

1 04 2008

Okay, so my first official blog…ummm…. where to begin…so much to tell…Well, I am by nature a very private person, so the whole blogging concept, is going to be kind of hard to get the hang of, but I’m going to do my best…. I guess I should probably start with some of the basics about me.

I’m a 24-year-old female who grew up in a small little town outside of Blacksburg, VA…yep Virginia Tech…that Blacksburg…I grew up with a single mom and two brothers; I’m in the middle. My older brother is David, and he’s…. 27 (I’m pretty sure.) And my little brother, John is 22…. I’ve always been much closer to my little brother, but love them both very much…my mom pretty much spent the last 20 some years raising us, pretty much on her own, my grandmother (or Granny) helped out a lot, but my father was pretty much MIA…my step mother tried quite a bit to make him be a good father, but, you can’t really make someone do that…he use to pay 75 dollars a month for child support for us, yep 75 total…so we were nearly always struggling…my mom worked full-time and tried to attend school as much as possible, and although I had a happy childhood, there was a lot of basic things that were missing, most of the time our heat didn’t work, we had a kerosene heater we kept in our kitchen and we huddle around in winter, or sometimes the stove, but electricity was expensive so, normally the kerosene heater…we’d have the smell of kerosene baked into us, and no matter how much scrubbing, you couldn’t make it go away…the electricity only worked in half of our trailer…we could never afford to have someone come fix it…or find out why it didn’t work…our front steps were rotting through, and there was no one to help fix them…our cars always had problems…and I learned a lot about being self-sufficient…to this day I am the only girl I know who can charge her oil or a flat…we were poor, there is no denying, but I learned so much from that, and that’s what I want to share here…you must be thankful for what you have, no matter how unfortunate  you may think your life is.

Well…like I said, I grew up in a very small south western Virginia town (very rural area) and when I graduated high school moved to a pretty large coastal city…. I moved there because my (now) ex-husband was in the Navy and I was sick of having a long distance relationship with him, so I packed up and moved 6 hours away from home to be with him, well…obviously that didn’t work out so well, but I love the area I’m in, and don’t plan on going anywhere…. I well address that whole ex-husband thing in another blog….

I am actually in the process of moving in with my boyfriend of two years, we’ll call him J…. oh and just for the record, all the names above have been changed…I won’t use any real names of people in my life…that a way they stay anonymous also…but back to J…. he’s a fantastic man, and really enough great things could never be said about him, unfortunately right now he’s sick, so he’s not a very pleasant person to be around, but then again, most people aren’t pleasant when they’re sick…but anyways, he’s 42 years old, yep 18 years difference, which, well, you’ll soon see in future post, that it really is not that bad of a thing.

So, I graduated high school and moved away from home and have earned my Associate’s degree in general studies…and now, well, I’m not 100% sure what I want to do…you see, I’ve always loved writing, so I was considering going into journalism, but, that’s an extremely competitive field, and either you’re great, or you don’t have much of a future…so I considered business…I’m pretty good at it, right now I work in a car electronics shop and I’ve handled everything from payroll and inventory to personnel matters and scheduling, so I’ve got a pretty good grasp of it, but I happen to work around a lot of 40-somethings who hate there job and can’t really go anywhere else, because that’s all they know…so I want to do something I love…and I love food, I love to cook and I love to try new stuff, but if I become a chef, well they work all kinds of strange hours and it’d be kind of hard to have a family and never be home at night, on weekends or holidays…which is when people eat out and therefore chefs have to be working…so, I’m considering food writing, but we’ll see how that turns out…