Love, Porn & Blogging

13 06 2008

Editor’s Note: The friday the 13th evils have been corrupting my wireless connection, so my Friday & Saturday post were not actually posted until sunday…sorry for the delays….without further ado, here’s your post-

The whole porn thing always elicits lots of comments & emails…and some of them (a lot of them) advised me not to forgive J…but here’s the deal, I don’t have another good option. I love him, and really he hasn’t given me a reason to believe that he’s not telling the truth, he’s never really hide anything from me before…well, maybe the marijuana thing, but really I’m not sure he really hide that, I think I just kept trying to block it out…but when it comes to the porn thing…I have no reason to believe it wasn’t just an isolated incident…he’s the first guy I’ve ever dated whom did not have porn in accessible place…he didn’t have internet, until I moved in, and I have never ever found so much as a play boy in his house…every other guy I’ve been with I could find porn in their possession in the first week of dating them…so, I really have no reason to not believe him…and the whole sex thing…as much as it pisses me off that it’s been over a month since we’ve slept together, and least he talked to me…and explained he’s just stressed out over the whole money situation and hasn’t really been himself…pretty valid I guess…I actually got asked at work today why he’d been so moody lately…and he has been, so I’m inclined to believe him…maybe I’m stupid, maybe I’m just looking to get my heart broke again, but…I don’t think so in this case…every other relationship I have known in my heart that it wasn’t meant to be (let me tell you, 6 hours alone in a car, you’d be amazed how much you learn about yourself)…I’ve never felt like J and I didn’t belong together, I’ve never felt like this wasn’t suppose to be…I get mad and pissed sometimes…and I’ve noticed a lot of when I bring J up is when I’m upset about something, so he’s really probably not getting a very fair representation, which I’m going to have to work on…you guys should get to know how wonderful he is…I shall work on that in the future.





Love & What I Thought Was Love

28 05 2008

I, once, had a blog…before this one…but I’ve just recently deleted it…but there was a few post that I’m reusing here…this actually was only written a week or so before I started this blog…and it was in my opinion a very good blog…so I’m sharing it here…here ya go:

Okay, so, yeah, blogging is kind of a hard thing for me to do. You see, by nature, I’m a very private person, so the whole idea of writing down my inner most thoughts and then posting them on the internet for the whole world to see, while, it’s frightening, to say the least. I’ve pretty much convinced myself to approach the whole thing as just a journal for me, and try to ignore that whole Blog Stat where it says how many people are reading this…because the bigger that number is, the scarier it is…especially because there are a lot of things in my life that I’m ashamed of, very, very ashamed of.

 

My divorce, I felt like a complete failure because I should have been able to do something to make my marriage work. (Did I mention I’m a little bit of a control freak?) Well, turns out, there was absolutely nothing I could do to make my marriage work. If there is one thing I learned, it’s that to make a relationship work BOTH people have to be 100 % committed, not 95%, I’m talking 100%…nothing else should come before your spouse, then your marriage will work. However, if one of the people aren’t completely committed, it’ll never work. I was 100% committed. I changed my entire life trying to become someone I’m not. I thought that if I put in enough effort, that he’d have to love me, and therefore, we’d make it work….turns out, I didn’t love him, I loved what I thought he was, what I thought he could be…turns out, I was 100% wrong about that…He has some serious serious issues he needs to work out. And no matter how hard I tried, you can’t make some one deal with an addiction if they don’t want to. Now, a lot of divorcees, I know, say how they still have fond feelings for their exes. Yep, not me, not at all. It took me a while, but I realized that I never really loved him, so, no feelings there. I’m not mad anymore, he lead me on, he made me believe he was someone he wasn’t and he wanted me to be something I couldn’t be. I’ve moved on, and I’m ready to close that door in my life…and would be very very happy if people would stop asking me about it.

Now, my current love life, is a 180 from my past. J, is the exact polar opposite of my ex. My ex, use to only care about how things would effect him, it didn’t matter if someone else was happy, he only wanted things that made him happy. Even if he did something they you might think he did to make you happy, really he only did it so you’d say how great he was, he was in it for the praise, not for my happiness. Well, J, goes out of his way to make me happy….he gets up in the middle of the night to get me water, because he knows I’ll wake up and want a drink, he remembers to get not only diet coke at the grocery store, but also the lemon to go with it, he makes the effort to get along with my family, even when he doesn’t really understand them, and because of that, my family adores him, and are so happy that I’m with him…and he’s so funny, he makes me laugh all the time, even when I don’t want to…I get mad at him and he’ll say something and make me smile, and I can’t happy but fall in love with him all over again, and then, well, how can you be mad at a guy like that?? Every moment with him is filled with fun, and love….even when I’m having a bad day at work, he’ll walk up and wrap his arms around m and kiss my forehead, and life is so much better, just from that few little seconds to let me know he loves me….and he’s learned to cook vegetarian stuff, just for me…and doesn’t harass me about not eating meat…he doesn’t make a big deal out of it, it’s just part of our day to day life, he eats meat, I don’t…And yeah, I get asked a lot about that whole 18 year age difference thing, but honestly, it’s not a big deal. I use to think it would be, in fact, I was kind of scared when we first started dating, but turns out, it really doesn’t effect us that much…for one, we’re both pretty much in the same point in our life…and even when things come up, like me wanting to go to New York for the CIA, he’s willing to move…I’ve never had someone say they’d do that for me, I’ve always been the one sacrificing, I’ve never had someone sacrifice for me….and yeah, if we have kids it may make it a little harder, considering he’ll be like, 60 when they graduate high school, but wouldn’t be the first time that’s ever happened, and you know, I’ve always imagined I would have kids, but, I’ve had 3 miscarriages, so the reality of it, is I might not ever be able to have children, but with J, even if I don’t I know we’ll be happy together, I don’t have to have the marriage or the kids to be happy, I have him, and that’s what makes me happy…and speaking of that, I’ve always had a problem with jealous…I was always scared that the man in my life would want someone other than me (of course, they being told that a man wanted a 15 year old over me, could have influenced that)…but with J, I’ve never had that problem…even when he talks with 10 or 15 women a day, and they all tell me how great he is, and not all of them know he’s taken, but, I know that I’m the one he wants, there is no doubt in my mind….and that is the greatest feeling on earth, is knowing that I’m finally on the same page with someone…okay, so I see this has gone on for a page and a half, so I’m getting off of here…see ya’ll tomorrow





F**king, Blogging and our Society

7 05 2008

(If you have a blog on wordpress.com, you can skip this first paragraph) On wordpress.com when you have a blog, you have what’s called a “dashboard” and basically it’s your homepage, that let’s you write new post and edit the old ones and it also has Blog Stats, which shows you how many people visit each post, and what sites referred them to your blog. Like, if it was a google search it’ll show you what the person searched for in order to get to your page, or if they were referred from another page, it’ll show you what web address referred them.

 

I’ve always found the Blog Stats very interested…it’s very intriguing to see what the rest of the world is searching for…it’s a way of being a fly on the wall, while people are web searching…Now, the reason I bring this up is a few weeks ago I did a post named Lovemaking vs F**king….now, that was on April 15th …I’m still getting people linking up to it…you’d be amazed how many people are searching for “Fucking” on the internet…kind of scary…in fact, that link has got more than 3 times more hits than any other page on my blog…hmmm…

 

…and then I had one, where someone had googled (and I’m paraphrasing here) that she’d slept with someone on the third date and wants to know if he loves her (and I won’t even get started on how to properly search for stuff…that much info in a search block, I’m amazed you ever found ANYTHING relevant…Any whoo)…now, first off…no one loves anyone on date #3…you don’t know each other well enough for that…J and I knew each other for almost 2 years before we started dating, and by date 3, I still would not have said it was love…lust maybe, interest maybe, but not love….2nd off, if you really want a shot at a real relationship…you should probably be evaluating the relationship BEFORE you sleep with him…as the old cliché goes, why buy the cow if you’re getting the milk for free…very much applies here…besides, if you’re not sure what the relationships status is…really really, let me advise against sleeping with the guy…until you figure it out…if all he wants in a bed-buddy, and you’re good with that…then by almost pursue, however, if you’re interested in more, and he’s not…then end it now…it’ll save you pain later on….and no matter what you’re thinking…women are really bad at keeping things “Just Physical”…we really do have a tendency to get emotionally involved…trust me, I’ve tried…didn’t work…fortunately, it worked out in the end, I’m friends with the guy…but my sleeping together twice…we almost ruined a great friendship, before it ever really got started…just don’t do it!!!

 

I also have a lot of people who apparently have been hurt by their spouses addictions to pornography (for my frequent readers you know my ex-husband had that problem)…for them, all I can say, is my heart goes out to you…I can’t really give you any advice, except to follow your heart…if you think your spouse can work with you to change your relationship and to stop their addiction, then by all means go for it…but if deep down you know, that it’s never going to work out (I would have fallen into this  category), then do yourselves both a favor and end it now.

 

What really scares me, is that I have so very few people that link to my website by tag words like “love” or “relationship” or “happiness” or any of those other happy words…they find my blog by “sex” and “fucking”…I think it says something about the world we are living it…maybe if we spent more time working on our relationships and trying to find love, instead of some one to fuck…maybe, just maybe this world would be a much much better place.

 

(Psssttt…for anyone out there trying to get their blog some more traffic…add in the words fuck and sex…and you’d be amazed how much traffic you’d get 😉

 





120 Things About Me

6 05 2008
I’m sure you get these stupid survey things on MySpace or your email…just thought I’d share one…thought maybe it’d help you get to know me a little more…

(001) Your gender:

Female

(002) Straight/gay/bi?:

Straight

(003) Single?:

Happily involved in a long term relationship

(004) Want to be?:

Chef or Journalist…maybe a food writer…or teach at a culinary school…I don’t know.

(005) Age?:

24

(006) Age you wish you were?:

I’m pretty happy being 24

(007) Your label?:

 

(008) Your height?:

5′ 8″

(009) Your eye color?:

Blue with a brown speck in one eye

(010) Any piercings?:

Each ear pierced once

(011) Any tattoos?:

NO

DO YOU…

(012) Smoke:

NO

(013) Drink:

Yes

(014) Do drugs:

NO

(015) Read the newspaper:

Every Sunday

(016) Talk to strangers who IM you:

Yeah, sometimes, just depends

(017) Like to walk in the leaves:

Yeah, and jump in them

(018) Take walks in the rain:

Yeah, always loved that.

(019) Drive:

Yes

(020) Like to drive fast?:

Sometimes, depends on my mood.

(021) Hurt yourself:

No

(022) Have a job:

Yep, somebodies got to pay the bills

(023) Like who you are:

Yes.

(024) Consider love a mistake:

No, although I’ll admit to having made mistakes in judgement when it comes to love.

(025) Base your judgement on looks alone:

No.

(026) Do you like/love someone?:

Yeah

HAVE YOU EVER…

(027) Been caught doing some thing your weren’t supposed to be doing?:

Several Times

(028) Been in love:

Currently

(029) Done drugs:

Nope, not really.

(030) Gone skinny dipping:

No, but don’t count me out yet on that

(031) Had a surgery:

Several Times

(032) Ran away from home:

Yeah when I was 7, I made it to the neighbor’s cherry tree.

(033) Played strip poker:

No.

(034) Gotten beat up:

Do brothers count on this one?

(035) Been on stage:

Yes

(036) Slept outdoors:

Many, many times

(037) Pulled an all-nighter:

Again, many, many times

(038) Talked on the phone all night:

Not ALL night, but pretty close

(039) Had an X-ray:

Yep.

(040) Had detention:

Several Times

(041) Been suspended:

Nope

(042) Been Expelled:

Nope

(043) Slept all day:

Nope

(044) Killed someone:

ahh…no…(what kind of questions are these??)

(045) Made out with a stranger:

No…thought about it…yes

(046) Had sex with a stranger?:

No

(047) Kissed the same sex:

No (well, unless you count on the cheek)

(048) Done anything sexual with the same sex?

No.

(049) Been betrayed:

Yeah

(050) Broken the law:

Yeah

(051) Been arrested:

No.

(052) Been on radio/TV:

Yeah

(053) Been in a mosh-pit:

No.

(054) Had a nervous breakdown:

Yeah

(055) Been criticized about your sexual performance:

No.

(056) Had a dream that kept coming back:

Yeah

(057) Seen your favorite band play:

I guess Jim Brickman doesn’t really count as a band? what about the Trans-Siberian Orchestra??

(058) Owned a pair of big sunglasses:

No

(059) Worn a huge hat:

No

(060) Judged other people by their clothing:

As much as I hate to admit, yes

(061) Been told you have good taste:

Yeah

(062) Been romantically attracted to someone and physically unattracted?:

No

(063) Been used?:

Probably, but I’d rather not dwell on that

(064) Been in an abusive relationship?:

Emotionally…yes, Physically…no

DO YOU BELIEVE IN…

(065) Life on other planets:

Don’t know if I’d say I believe in it, but I haven’t ruled it out.

(066) Miracles:

Yeah whether supernatural or not.

(067) Astrology:

Kind of

(068) Magic:

Again, kind of.

(069) God:

Again, kind of. (Maybe it’s a matter of I want to believe even though the proof isn’t there)

(070) The Devil:

Again, kind of.

(071) True Love:

YES

(072) Ghosts:

Kind of

(073) Rebirth:

?? Still debating??

(074) Love at first sight:

Yes, to a point.

(075) Ying and Yang?:

Yes

(076) Witches:

Kind of

(077) The Easter Bunny:

Of course…don’t ya mess with Easter people!!!

(078) Santa Clause:

No.

LAST PERSON…

(079) That you laughed at:

J

(080) That laughed at you:

J

(081) That hurt you:

Yeah, but why dwell on it.

(081) That turned you on:

J

(082) That kissed you:

J

(083) That hugged you:

J

(084) That you went shopping with :

J

(085) To disappoint you:

Again, why dwell on it.

(086) That made you cry:

Again, why dwell on it.

(087) That brightened up your day:

J

(088) You saw a movie with:

J

(089) You talked to on the phone:

J

(090) You talked to on text message:

J

(091) You to on IM:

Mark

(092) That made you smile:

J

(093) That made you laugh:

J (seeing a pattern??)

(094) That saw you cry:

J (always the strong one when I need it.)

(095) That bought you something:

J

(096) That danced with you:

J

(097) That you have a crush on:

J

The Whats…

(098) What do you find romantic?:

All the typical old-fashioned romantic things…Roses, candles, bubble baths, etc.

(099) What are your turn-on’s?:

Can’t give away all my secrets now can I?

(100) What are your turn-off’s?:

Beer

(101) What is best about the opposite sex?:

Again, I can’t give away all my secrets.

(102) What is best about the same sex?:

Our strength yet only letting it show when it needs to.

(103) What is the last present someone got you?:

My very very gorgeous watch for Christmas. (Thanks you, darling!)

(104) What makes you happy?:

Lots of things…books, my puppy, knowing how easily a certain someone can make me smile, a sunny day, watching the waves on the beach, long bubble baths with candlelight and a good girlie book, late night movies with a big bowl of buttery popcorn, ice cream, wind in my hair, good music on the radio, chocolate

(105) What is your B-day?:

November 1, 1983

(106) What is your favorite movie?:

Ghost

(107) What is your favorite band?:

Evanescence (as of right now)

(108) What is your favorite type of movie?:

Depends on my mood

(109) What is your favorite season?:

Fall

(110) What is your favorite month?:

September/October

(111) What is your favorite Holiday?:

Easter

(112) What is your favorite language?:

English…least favorite Spanish

(113) What is your favorite thing to do?:

Read

(114) What is your favorite color(s)?:

Purple

The Who’s…

(115) Your best friend(s):

J

(116) The one person you can trust with any thing?:

J

(117) Your favorite singer?:

Reba

(118) Your favorite Actor?:

Robin Williams

(119) Your favorite Actress?:

Drew Barrymore or Julia Roberts..but don’t really have a favorite acress.

(120) Your favorite President?:

Not Bush, that’s for sure.





Bringing Up Painful Memories

10 04 2008

Things are a little better, we at least speak to each other…although we still aren’t at all touchy feely…and don’t speak about to much, except about the functions of the day.

 

I’m just more upset about the fact that he spent two years with me, and lied to me about it, every time it came up…it hurts.

 

The ex did kind of the same thing, except he kept another time of addiction from me. He was addicted to pornography, specifically of young girls…it use to disgust me so much to think of him looking at that, and then touching me…I actually slept with that man…I lost my virginity to that man…and not only was he lusting over pornography, but also a 15 year old girl that he use to know from his church…my husband wanted a 15 year old over me…nothing like being left for a younger woman when you’re 22…what I think, hurt me the most, was all the evidence was right in front of me, the whole time, and I just didn’t want to see it…I guess you could say the same thing this time.

 

I’m tired of hurting, I love J, but…I don’t want another relationship where I invest so much hurt and soul, just to get crushed.

 

We again, went to sleep without touching.