Happy Father’s Day, Mom!

15 06 2008

My father left/was kicked out when I was about 3, my older brother was 7 and my baby brother was 1. I never really got to know my father, but what I did know, I didn’t like. He spent a few of those years in prison, for killing a man. That’s something that almost no one knows outside of our family…my ex-husband never even knew that…it’s something very deep and private…in fact, my mother didn’t even want us to know, she was so ashamed that she’d had children with a man who was capable of taking another man’s life…my father & step-mother are actually the ones who told us…and then we asked my mother about it…I remember after I was told I had this nightmare, that my two brothers and my mom and I were sitting down to dinner, and I was sitting between the table and the wall/window (I was always the skinny one so I always got stuck by the wall) and we were eating and talking and laughing and all of a sudden my father pops up in the window and wraps his arms around my neck and holds a knife to my throat, I woke up screaming…my mom rushed in and hugged me, and kissed my forehead…I was probably 7 or 8…by this age I had realized that my mom wasn’t much into showing emotion…and I had learned how to hide a lot of my emotions…I didn’t cry…and I remember feeling slightly ashamed that I was crying in front of my mom, who I thought was the strongest person in the world, and part of my felt terrified from what I had just dreamed, and part of me felt like the luckiest person on earth for having such a great mom.

 

As a typical teenager girl, my mom and I fought, a lot. But, when I grew up and went away to school & work, and got married & divorced…while I was married, our relationship remained strained…but, she still called every weekend, to see how I was…and now, I’m happy to say she is one of my best friends…

 

My father use to come around about every 2 or 3 years and tried to pretend to be a great father…he took my brother to his baseball game once, and I went a long to watch…and my lil brother never quite felt safe or comfortable around our father…he always wanted me around too, just in case…and I remember our father saying how much gas he’d had to use to pick us up and take us to the game and back home…and having been taught to respect adults, a thought raced to my head, that I didn’t vocalize, now looking back I wished I had…I was probably 12 or 13…I thought, well, Mom does it about 10 times a week, when you consider all 3 kids and all our activities…and never once did I know how much gas it took her…she never complained, even when she was worn down and exhausted…she was always about us kids…so, this father’s day, I want to take a moment to thank all you awesome single mothers…who really are wonderful father’s and deserve to have more than 2 days a year of honor…here are some awesome single mom’s I’ve found by blog reading…take a moment, and stop by there sites, and let ‘em know how awesome they are…I know one day when their kids are older and realize how great their moms are, they let them know…but right now, I’m sure they’d appreciate a little bit of encouragement…so, here they are…in no particular order…

2 Lazy Dogs 

Miss Single Mama

Green Bean Mama

Modern Single Momma

Momma Cum Laude

Single Mom In The City

Memoirs Of A Single Mom

Single Working Mommy

Mommy Pie

QT Mama

Single Mom With A Tot

The Queen Chimes In

TS Quest

P.S. If I forgot anyone, or you know of any great single mother’s who blog out there…please leave me a comment with their url so I can add them, also, if you find a link that doesn’t work, let me know…I’m not too great with all this html stuff…I tested all of them, but that’s not saying much 😉





Love, Porn & Blogging

13 06 2008

Editor’s Note: The friday the 13th evils have been corrupting my wireless connection, so my Friday & Saturday post were not actually posted until sunday…sorry for the delays….without further ado, here’s your post-

The whole porn thing always elicits lots of comments & emails…and some of them (a lot of them) advised me not to forgive J…but here’s the deal, I don’t have another good option. I love him, and really he hasn’t given me a reason to believe that he’s not telling the truth, he’s never really hide anything from me before…well, maybe the marijuana thing, but really I’m not sure he really hide that, I think I just kept trying to block it out…but when it comes to the porn thing…I have no reason to believe it wasn’t just an isolated incident…he’s the first guy I’ve ever dated whom did not have porn in accessible place…he didn’t have internet, until I moved in, and I have never ever found so much as a play boy in his house…every other guy I’ve been with I could find porn in their possession in the first week of dating them…so, I really have no reason to not believe him…and the whole sex thing…as much as it pisses me off that it’s been over a month since we’ve slept together, and least he talked to me…and explained he’s just stressed out over the whole money situation and hasn’t really been himself…pretty valid I guess…I actually got asked at work today why he’d been so moody lately…and he has been, so I’m inclined to believe him…maybe I’m stupid, maybe I’m just looking to get my heart broke again, but…I don’t think so in this case…every other relationship I have known in my heart that it wasn’t meant to be (let me tell you, 6 hours alone in a car, you’d be amazed how much you learn about yourself)…I’ve never felt like J and I didn’t belong together, I’ve never felt like this wasn’t suppose to be…I get mad and pissed sometimes…and I’ve noticed a lot of when I bring J up is when I’m upset about something, so he’s really probably not getting a very fair representation, which I’m going to have to work on…you guys should get to know how wonderful he is…I shall work on that in the future.





This Weekend

12 06 2008

It’s been almost a week since I’ve written a “real” blog entry. It’s been a very tiring week…I’ll start you up at this past Friday. A friend of my mom’s organizes a fishing tournament every year in honor of her deceased brother…they hold it at Claytor lake, which is about 30-45 minutes from Blacksburg…she offered to pay me the $200 dollars for gas, plus an extra 50 if I would come up and help. She needed me to be at her house at 5:45 Saturday morning to go set up and handle the registration for the tournament. So, that meant I had to drive up to Roanoke Friday night after work…I didn’t get out of Virginia Beach until 7:45 Friday night and didn’t make it to Roanoke until 1 in the morning. My mom called me when I was about 2 ½ hours outside of Virginia Beach, to let me know that they didn’t need me for registration that they just needed me to handle picking up the food for the picnic afterward, and also the organizers mother….I didn’t have be at the lake until 2, to have everything ready at 4…I could have driven up Saturday morning, damn it! But I was already half way there, so I kept trucking…

 

Saturday I got the lake thing handled…nothing really exciting there…some good photos from the car show which I’ll post at a later date, when J helps me label them with the right year, make and model. So, we’re getting ready to leave the lake and I noticed a dent in the right passenger bumper of J’s beloved truck…not good…I could remember if it had been there before or night…he’d messed up his bumper about 6 months ago, but I could remember of this dent was from that…so I get back to Roanoke (where my mom now lives) at about 7:30 or 8 that night, go take a shower (it was a hot, sweaty day, I felt disgusting) and spent Saturday evening just hanging out with my mom and grandmother and went to bed early…When J called, I didn’t mention the dent, I was tired and exhausted, and figured it could wait until tomorrow.

 

Sunday I got up and went to Hampton Inn and spent some time hanging out with my mom & grandmother and stole some breakfast while they worked (they are breakfast attendants there on weekends) and drank LOTS of coffee…so I left there about 11:30, went and filled up the gas tank and ran by Barnes & Noble for a book on CD and left town about 12:20, 12:30…and when I spoke to J to let him know I was headed back home, I asked if by any chance there was a dent on his truck when he gave it to me…he confirmed that there was a dent on the passenger right front, near the bumper…Thank god!! So very relived by that…then he proceeded to tell me that even if I had dented his truck it was no big deal, it’s just a truck…ha, ha…I picked that I didn’t believe him, that he loved his vehicles more than he did people…little did I know, this was a foreshadowing for something that would happen that evening…I made it all the way from Virginia Beach to Claytor Lake, and from Claytor Lake back to Chesapeake with no problems…I was even half asleep for most of it…so I’m coming down our street and see J come up the other way on the street , and he pulls in the drive way…I go to pull in after him…and obviously didn’t judge the distance from the neighbors fence quite well enough, so I scrap the bumper of the truck along the edge of the fence…all while he’s watching…so much for a warm welcome home…he’s furious…I apologize, tell him I didn’t mean to, and I’d pay to get the bumper fixed… “That’s not the point, why’d you hit the fence.”…So that just made me mad…like I intentionally meant to hit the fence? What could possibly be more fun than pissing off your boyfriend, and the neighbor because you hit her fence with his truck?? Eventually, he came back and apologized for yelling…blamed it on the heat (which could be likely, it was 102 out)…

 

So, very long weekend…very very long…and later that evening I made another fun discovery…I set down to the computer and start to type www.wordpress.com I get through the www.wo and up pops www.womansexy.com, now, anyone who reads my blog, knows…I have a very bad past with men and online pornography…so, I think, maybe it just accidently popped up while he was on the computer this weekend, so I check history…and what do I find?? Several more fun sites…including one about teenagers with big boobs…just what I needed…so of course, that starts a fun fight…I spent 3 years battling with my ex over pornography, and the moment I saw those sites on my computer, that knot built up in my stomach and everything from the past came rushing in, I felt like a 20 year old battling to save her marriage, again….it hurt so much. I just can’t even put it into words. J apologized, told me how it didn’t mean anything…he just looked at the front pages of a few sites, just curious as to what all the hype was about….he didn’t mean to hurt me, how he loved me and didn’t want anyone but me…of course, we haven’t had sex in over month…and I’m gone less than 24 hours and he’s looking at porn online…I’m a little more than upset…I go to bed, he sleeps on the couch…I don’t think either of us got any sleep.

 

Monday, we barely spoke at work…we got home Monday and I cam to the conclusion that I can’t hold against him what my ex did. No matter how much it hurt…J hasn’t really given me a reason to believe he really looks at porn…he’s not technologically savvy enough to hide it from me, and it was only about 4 or 5 sites, and he was true to his word, he had just looked at the front pages, and hadn’t gone any further…I either had to forgive him, or ended over something that stupid…I can’t hold on to that horrible fear and not be willing to forgive…so, I’m making an effort to deal with it…he said something that kind of stuck with me Monday night, he said “Sometimes you are as hard as a rock and then other times you’re curled up in the corner crying and your as fragile as a shell and I have to handle you so gently.” And it’s true…There are days and moments that I am invincible…nothing bothers me, I can tackle anything…and other times, I feel like I’m not worthy to walk on this earth, my less be loved, wanted, or cared about…It’s hard, because I use to be so strong when it came to relationships…my ex-husband tore me apart, and broke my spirit…I’m trying to build it back…but it’s a lot dang harder than it looks…





PMS Sucks

22 05 2008

If you’re a female, you understand the above statement. So, my period started today…or as I fondly call it “that time of the month.”…that time of the month has ALWAYS been difficult on me, ever since the very first one when I was like 12 and had to go tell my mother that it’d started…it’s been painful…physically…it’s been very painful…and so tonight, I’m going to bed early…I’ll talk to you all tomorrow.





My Heart Is In Blacksburg, Which I Proudly Call Home

16 04 2008

A year ago today I was at work, and opened up my internet and on my msn homepage was a headline story that a gunman was loose on the Virginia Tech campus. I read a little clip about how he’d shot a girl and they thought it was a domestic violence dispute…I didn’t really think a lot about it…not the first time a crazy person had been loose on the VT campus, and they’d always handled it well, always been “overly cautious” to guarantee nothing happened…hours later I learned 32 people had lost their lives to this gunman.

 

I grew up about 30 minutes away from the Virginia Tech campus…my mom earned her bachelors there while I was in middle school…as corny and generic as it sounds, I’m going to say it anyways, because it fits…it’s just not the kind of place you’d expect something like that to happen…let me explain. My mom attended classes there while my little brother and I were in middle school…so 12-15 years old time frame…she would pick us up from school and drive to tech and go to class, or we’d ride the bus by ourselves to the campus, if she was already there…she’d give us each a few dollars so we could go to the on campus Burger King to get us a 99 cent whopper and a drink (free refills…we could survive off of that for hours)…after we’d finished our dinner we’d walk across the drill field to the campus library where we’d play on the internet or do school work, if we had any…she’d get out of class at 9 or 10 and walk across campus to pick us up…she’d ask us about our day as we walked across campus to the parking lot…we never worried about wondering campus alone, and she never worried….it was perfectly safe for us to wonder around, and no one ever questioned who we were or why we were there…the librarians learned our names, as did the security guards, but they all knew we were safe there on campus…or even, sometimes, we’d walk to downtown and go browse the shops, we never once felt in danger…

 

Last year, when the tragedy happen, I came home from work and cried. I have friends on the Blacksburg Rescue Squad, I have friends on the Christiansburg Police Force, I have friends that are Virginia Tech students and alumni (my older brother is tech alumni as are most of his friends)…I cried for them, I cried for what they’d seen, I cried for those they’d lost, I cried because I couldn’t be there with them….I’d been away from home for 5 years, and never once had I truly felt homesick, until April 16, 2007…a day or so later I received an email about Maroon & Orange day…an effort to get everyone to wear Hokie colors to show there support…I tried to find a VT shirt or hat for my boyfriend…every single store in the Hampton Roads area was out of everything VT, orange or maroon…normally, those items SCREAM at you from store shelves…but not one was left in Hampton Roads…my heart swelled…I’d never been so happy to NOT be able to find something…that evening I came home and the news reports showed people in England and France and all over the country (even the New York Yankees) wearing orange and maroon…it showed the community in Blacksburg standing together, uniting together, to overcome their grief…their pain….I talked to friends and family…and the whole community not only back home, but from all over the world, was uniting together to help the victim’s families…to help each other heal….

 

Tonight…the same pain and pride I felt a year ago is back, part of me wants to be home, but I know, that the whole VT community is united, even if it’s not all in Blacksburg…I watch the news cast, I see the huge moment of silence that occurred on the drill field…the whole drill field is covered in orange and maroon shirts, and yet, not one word is spoken…that’s respected, for our lost family…Almost every college, today, had some kind of memorial service…it shows that not only was the Virginia Tech community effected, but the entire college community, the entire country was effected…and the entire country is uniting behind the Virginia Tech Family.

 

So please, remember the Hokies in thoughts and prayers.

 

Blacksburg, I love you and wish I was home.

 





Regrets and Lies

14 04 2008

I’m kind of regretting the intimacy from last night, mainly because I know I can’t take it back. It was almost like, we did that, and now he thinks everything is fine…which it’s not.

 

It’s 7:45 at night, we got off at 5:30, he said he’d be home shortly, that he wasn’t going any where besides home. He called at 6:50 to tell me he was on his way home. We live about 10 minutes from work…I hate when he does that. I don’t care if he goes somewhere else to hang out… just have the common courtesy to call…looks like he’s going to have another cold dinner.

 

I just, I don’t know…I’m regretting last night. He said he wanted to make things work. I’m trying to believe that, but then he does stupid stuff like not call….makes me wonder. But then other moments, he makes me feel like I am the only thing on earth he cares about.

 

I must be giving everyone a very bad view of this relationship. Unfortunately, I started this blog right before all of this happened, otherwise, you’d think we were a great couple. Everyone around us does. Of course, they don’t know everything. They see what they want to see…I guess we all do.

 

I’ve just finally found someone who supports me, and loves me. He encourages my crazy ideas, and helps me however he can. All I have to do is say I need or want something, and it’s mine. He’s the first person to accept me for me…or at least most of me…there’s still a lot he doesn’t know about me…lots I’ve hidden, but it’s because in a way, I’m very much ashamed of what I came from. It varies, there are days I’m proud of everything I’ve accomplished, but then there are days where I’m that 7 year old little girl who’s lieing to her teachers because she doesn’t want them to know that she’s growing up in a home that has no running water. It may not have been an ideal place, but it was home. I never got to really have friends over, or have parties, because I was always worried what would happen if someone found out. I spent so much time hiding our lives, that it’s kind of hard to not. It’s second nature to hide it.

 

A while back, my little brother and I were out to dinner, and he was telling me how he doesn’t mean to lie. He doesn’t want to lie to everyone, but he just can’t stop. That it just comes natural. And he’s right, we spent our entire lives telling people lies, and partially wanting to believe those fantasies ourselves,  that we blurred the line between truth and fiction so much, that we’re not even sure where the line is, much less how to get back over it.





Breaking the Ice

13 04 2008

So, it’s officially been one week since everythings happened….well…I still don’t know what I’m going to do. He lied to me. He flat out lied to me, for two years!!! Two years!! 95% of relationships don’t even last that long…I just…I’m just dumbfounded…I get so upset every time I think about it.

 

We still haven’t kissed. I don’t let him touch me in bed. He normally comes to bed about 2 hours after me, and climbs in under the cover and slides over to my side of the bed and wraps his arms around me…use to be the most wonderful feeling on earth…now, he knows not to, he knows I don’t want to be that close to someone I’m not sure I can trust….I mean, we’ve had problems before…we’ve fought before (what couple hasn’t), but he’s never betrayed my trust like he did this time…

 

I have let him hug me, of course, I haven’t hugged back, I just haven’t fought him off like I did a week ago.

 

Well, went to bed tonight, about 11. He asked if he could hold me. And he actually opened up to me, about how he’s disappointed in himself, and how he didn’t mean for it to get so out of hand…he’s not trying to hurt me…we started snuggling and things got kind of physical. Clothes came off and although no actual intercourse happened you could say we had sex or lovemaking or how ever you want to put it. Very seldom with us, does intercourse actually occur…many other ways to pleasure each other…we went to sleep curled up in each others arms.