It’s History, Just Let It Go

19 04 2008

My family…well, where to begin…My uncle, we’ll call him George…him and my mother have never gotten along…from the stories ever heard, even when they were kids they didn’t get along…more so, than just normal sibling squabbles…This bugs me, mostly, because, well, they won’t let it go…well in all fairness, my mother, just doesn’t really like people, but she never talks about my uncle (his wife, yes, but that I’ll save for a little later)…I still hear stories about how my mother “stole” George’s truck one night and went out joy riding with her friends, and then returned it with a dent, I’m not sure if she offered to pay to have it fixed…heck, she may have taken it herself, later, to get it fixed, I don’t know…it’s a one-sided story…I also get told about how she’d borrow his truck and return it with an empty tank of gas…annoying, yes…but seriously, get over it…Now, these stories all took place before she had three kids…she had my older brother at 18…so even assuming someone was babysitting my brother, all of this happened when she was in her late teens…she’s now 45…so seriously, time for people just to let it go already… I think my mom, was probably pretty wild as a kid/teen…but somewhere in there she decided it was time to grow up, she had 3 kids to raise…that’s why she ditched my father (also more on that later)…


My aunt (the evil aunt), George’s wife, is a bitch. There really is just no other way to put it…and let me tell you people, I don’t use that word loosely…if you knew me in person, you’d know that I NEVER say that word, except when it comes to her…she told me once when I was 12 or 13 that she’d fix up a room for me and let me move in because my mother was so mean to me…now, my mother being mean to me…where’d she get that? Well, because I’d vent about her to my granny (who lived with them at the time) and my aunt would be in the room, she thought I was talking to her and my granny, really, I was just stuck with the aunt…But at 12…most teenage girls don’t get along with there mother…I didn’t get along with much of anyone at that age…it’s your rebellion starting…and the last thing an aunt should say, is let me move you in…now maybe, you can come visit any time you need to get a way or, you can come over or call and talk any time you need…even at 12 I knew what she said was wrong…she just has always wanted a daughter, she has 2 sons, and for a very long time she had no other nieces, so…she kept trying to “adopt” me…for Christmas she loved going shopping for me, I’d get all kinds of stuff, my brothers would get a few boring things…nothing really great…I hated that…I’m a protective sister…even if my little brother has been bigger than me since we were in middle school, and even though my older brother is 4 years older than me…I want what’s best for my brother’s…I don’t want to be treated special from them…being born female should give me no special rights or privileges over them…(first time you’ve heard a female say that, huh? I can hear the feminist crying now)…Part of my hatred for her started then.


Then she kicked my mother out of her house one time, I don’t even remember what for…I just remember them fighting and my mother saying “Let’s go, we’re not welcome here.” That may have been the time my aunt accused my mother of trying to sabotage her disability benefits…My aunt is not at all disabled…a little mental, or depressed, maybe, but not disabled, she’s lazy…she’s fine if it’s something she wants to do, but she doesn’t want to work…she remodels her house about ever year and a half…I mean really remodels…she’s strips all the cabinets and repaints them…she redoes the counter tops…all by herself…disabled? I think not….Anyways, she told my mother one time that the Social Security office had received an anonymous letter from someone proving that she was not disabled…and (oh it gets so much better than that…)that the social security office gave her a copy of the surveillance tape, and she could tell that it was my mother who went in to the office and gave them that letter….now come on…how many federal office do you know that just give up surveillance tapes?? And at the time, my mother was student teaching and working full-time, while raising the three of us…when would she have had time??


What really bugs me though…is they are so much against my mother that begins to effect everyone else, specifically my granny…they are so against helping each other, that they don’t want to help my granny because they think it might help my mother…that’s just wrong.


That’s part of why I’m so stressed over this party…they spent my whole childhood judging how my mom raised us…they thought everything she did was wrong…I may not have agreed with everything she did, but she did a pretty damn good job of raising us….none of us are in prison, or knocked up living in trailer parks, so we’ve done better than 65% of our high school….but I know that they will judge everything about this party…and that’s part of why I want it to be so perfect (besides that, I’m a perfectionist)…because I know they’re going to talk…and I want to them to have only nice things to say…even though I know, even if they like it they’re going to say “With her for a mother, I don’t know how that child turned out so well.”…I’ve heard it before, and I smile to myself, because I know that they were wrong, they’ve been wrong, and we’ve risen above that…I’m a much better person than they are…but damn it, I still want everything to be perfect next Saturday….but more importantly, I wish they would all just get over it…just move on and let the past go.

Feeling Very Very Alone & Overwhelmed

18 04 2008

I need to vent….my granny is turning 80 and I’m throwing her a surprise party…not sure if I’ve mentioned that on here or not….But…I’m getting very very frustrated….when I mentioned (back in December)  that I was going to throw her a party…my mother’s response was “Good…I thought I should probably do something but if you’re going to, that’s great.”…so January I send out letters to all her friends & family letting them know I’m planning this surprise party and I sent them all little white notecards and asked them to decorate them, and I was going to turn them into quilt squares…on my uncles letter I made a note that I’d really like a family photo of him, his wife and their two sons, so I could include it on the quilt….I told him he’d get the original back, or he could just email it to me…yeah, no picture EVER came…they decorated the quilt squares, although only one did they actually put effort in….the rest were like dots or lines…stupid stuff…so, my mom was suppose to put up flyers about the party so people could come who I don’t know…(hard to find people to invite when you can’t ask the guest of honor and you’ve only been alive for a little over a fourth of her life.)…So, I sent the same letter to her two surviving sisters & cousin…all three sent me precious pictures of their childhood and each sent money, between 10 and 25 dollars, a piece….now, these ladies are all approaching 80 themselves, and are living on social security, with very little extra money, however, each contributed to make it a special day…


My older brother, didn’t even decorate his quilt square, he had me do one for him, my mom did hers on the computer and emailed it to me….now my mom, my two brothers, my aunt and uncle have not one…not once…offered money to help…however they all tell my grandmother how much she’s done for them…she helped raise all 5 grandkids, and of them I am doing everything, my youngest cousin is going to help decorate only because I asked if the two cousins would like to be included & help…oh, and I have to give him a ride to the church, because they’d be too much trouble for the parents…I would think if someone was throwing my mother a birthday party, I’d at least offer to help, somehow…


Just very very frustrated. Everyone wants to say how much they love her, but where the heck are they when there is non-glamorous work to be done??


17 04 2008

I’m having one of THOSE days…feeling overwhelmed, inadequate…like I’m not good enough and just can’t seem to get everything done…I’ve been lacking energy and not sleeping…My bank account is -$12.00 right now,  have a party to be planning, my pay check tomorrow is $80 less than normal, which I was really banking on it being more than the $800 I depended on…instead it’s $720….I have a loan payment to make, and dinner for 50 people to make, and traveling expenses and helium tanks, and all kinds of other stuff, and I’m just feeling a little overwhelmed. My class final has to be done by next weekend…which coincides with my grandmother’s party…so I’m only on chapter 7, have to be through chapter 10…and have only done the homework assignments through chapter 4…got an email today from my professor asking if I’d planned on completing the course because I had so much I hadn’t turned in….got home and there is a $250 bill from sprint, that I forgot to pay from J’s bank account…it’s a cut off notice…I just totally forgot about it…between all the stresses at work, and the marijuana thing, and the party, and school…it just feel between the cracks. It’s not like me…I’m normally very on top of stuff, especially when it’s not my account the money is coming out of…makes it a whole lot easier…I’ve been forgetting stuff at work a lot…I’ve had customer’s show up to get work done, that I know I talked to, yet, don’t remember what I told them, or pricing I quoted them…heck, most of them I don’t even remember what I’m selling them or what kind of car we’re putting it in….to say the least, I’m a little stressed…


oh and the puppy isn’t well…she’s been sick for a while…she got all these weird little scabby like bumps on her…she goes through phases where we think she’s getting better, and then she goes back down hill…we’ve tried everything, from changing food, to some weird borax treatment J’s sister-in-law found online…the vet wants $3,000 to do a biopsy to figure out what’s wrong, and then God only knows how much to treat her, if he can…she’s been getting a lot worse in the last week or so…J took her over to a friend’s house last weekend, and she went and laid down, and he came back and she was laying in her own urine….not a good sign…I’m really scared we’re going to have to put her down…she’s such a sweet dog…I really hate to have to do it, but, it’s starting to look like we’re going to have to…it makes me want to cry every time I think about it…


We’ll 3 ½ chapters of school work, still left to do…I’m hoping to have all my school work done by this weekend so I can go take my final and be finished with the semester, so all I have to worry about is my grandmother’s party…and money for my grandmother’s party…so, please wish me luck…I’m going to need it.