Love, Porn & Blogging

13 06 2008

Editor’s Note: The friday the 13th evils have been corrupting my wireless connection, so my Friday & Saturday post were not actually posted until sunday…sorry for the delays….without further ado, here’s your post-

The whole porn thing always elicits lots of comments & emails…and some of them (a lot of them) advised me not to forgive J…but here’s the deal, I don’t have another good option. I love him, and really he hasn’t given me a reason to believe that he’s not telling the truth, he’s never really hide anything from me before…well, maybe the marijuana thing, but really I’m not sure he really hide that, I think I just kept trying to block it out…but when it comes to the porn thing…I have no reason to believe it wasn’t just an isolated incident…he’s the first guy I’ve ever dated whom did not have porn in accessible place…he didn’t have internet, until I moved in, and I have never ever found so much as a play boy in his house…every other guy I’ve been with I could find porn in their possession in the first week of dating them…so, I really have no reason to not believe him…and the whole sex thing…as much as it pisses me off that it’s been over a month since we’ve slept together, and least he talked to me…and explained he’s just stressed out over the whole money situation and hasn’t really been himself…pretty valid I guess…I actually got asked at work today why he’d been so moody lately…and he has been, so I’m inclined to believe him…maybe I’m stupid, maybe I’m just looking to get my heart broke again, but…I don’t think so in this case…every other relationship I have known in my heart that it wasn’t meant to be (let me tell you, 6 hours alone in a car, you’d be amazed how much you learn about yourself)…I’ve never felt like J and I didn’t belong together, I’ve never felt like this wasn’t suppose to be…I get mad and pissed sometimes…and I’ve noticed a lot of when I bring J up is when I’m upset about something, so he’s really probably not getting a very fair representation, which I’m going to have to work on…you guys should get to know how wonderful he is…I shall work on that in the future.

The Last Two Weeks

3 05 2008

So, I realize I haven’t written an entry in a week or so…been a very crazy two weeks. Week 1 was spent getting everything ready for the party. Last Friday I drove up to Blacksburg, and went to dinner with my little brother, we hung out and talked a while…He lost the dance instructor job that he was so excited to have gotten…I feel bad about that, but, on the positive, he realized that ballroom dance is something he enjoys, and something he may like to pursue in the future…5 years ago, he would have called it “gay” and never given it a shot, so at least there is some personal growth happening. His one year anniversary was this past Sunday, he has officially gone one year drug free…I’m so proud!! (yep, I’m a gloating big sister)


So, Saturday, I get up early, go see my mom & granny at the hotel they work at on Saturday and Sundays…I stole some coffee and a muffin, and ran to walmart to get the rest of the food I needed…I arrived at my uncles at about 8:45 to pickup my cousin, and we went to the church to set up…over all, very long stressful day…I got back to my mom’s apartment at midnight….first my DJ forgot to ask off work…so couldn’t be picked up until 4…my older brother asked off work, but they asked if he wanted an extra shift, so he took the extra shift…which was very disappointing to me…he’s always been the favorite grandchild…he’s the oldest grandchild, and he should have made it a priority…but anyways…my little brother had a mandatory work meeting at 4…wouldn’t be back until about 5:30…guest are due to arrive at 6…so…at 3:45 I fly from the church to pickup the dj…which was awkward…he’s an ex-boyfriend…from when I was 15…but, his parents never really like me, and I haven’t seen them since we broke up, almost a decade ago…so that was a little awkward…but we get back to the church he sets up, I’m still finishing my table of stuff that happened in 1928 when my grandmother was born…we’re going on 5 o’clock at this time, and still no real food has been prepared…the desserts are pretty much done…so the ex-boyfriend pretty much hangs out, but doesn’t really help…finally about 5:45 he offers to help…said he was waiting on me to ask…I’m thinking to myself, I’m freaking out, have 500 things to do, you just heard me talking on the phone about how I was worried not everything was going to get done…and you didn’t think to ask, what can I do to help????


So, at about 5:45 my uncle and aunt arrive…and 6 o’clock the rest of the guest start pouring in…I have my little brother, ex-boyfriend and cousin all in the kitchen trying to get food ready, while I play hostess and run everything from the kitchen to the banquet table…so we forwent green bean casserole and just had green beans, instead of doing sweet potatoes with cinnamon and nutmeg and marshmallows, they just got sweet potatoes…and the chicken was a disaster…so we just had ham….in my creativeness…I had decided to freeze all the food, so when I drove it 6 hours up to Blacksburg, it wouldn’t spoil…I figured between 6 hours in the cooler in the car, and then overnight in the refrigerator…I figured everything would have thawed…yeah, not so much…the chicken is still frozen at 5:30, so I’m trying to thaw it in the microwave, and get it in the oven to cook…it was nasty looking so, we pitched it…


About half my guest list that had RSVPed, didn’t show…including, what I thought was, a good girlfriend from high school…so instead of the 35 who had RSVPed, we only had about 15…I was disappointed, but everything looked great…and granny was happy, so that was worth it…she was 100 % surprised….


And thank god it’s all over!! So I’ve spent this last week recovering from my 18 hour day, plus the 12 hours on the road last weekend…so that’s why I haven’t posted anything…again, my apologizes…Today, life is starting over…I have pretty much recovered from party planning and am going to spend the day, planting the flower garden, I’ve been attempting for a month…every weekend it’s rained, so I haven’t been able to get it done…after that, the rest of the weekend is going to house cleaning & organizing, but more about that tomorrow…and more details will be coming about the party in the next week or so, and as soon as I get pictures developed I’ll post the photos.


17 04 2008

I’m having one of THOSE days…feeling overwhelmed, inadequate…like I’m not good enough and just can’t seem to get everything done…I’ve been lacking energy and not sleeping…My bank account is -$12.00 right now,  have a party to be planning, my pay check tomorrow is $80 less than normal, which I was really banking on it being more than the $800 I depended on…instead it’s $720….I have a loan payment to make, and dinner for 50 people to make, and traveling expenses and helium tanks, and all kinds of other stuff, and I’m just feeling a little overwhelmed. My class final has to be done by next weekend…which coincides with my grandmother’s party…so I’m only on chapter 7, have to be through chapter 10…and have only done the homework assignments through chapter 4…got an email today from my professor asking if I’d planned on completing the course because I had so much I hadn’t turned in….got home and there is a $250 bill from sprint, that I forgot to pay from J’s bank account…it’s a cut off notice…I just totally forgot about it…between all the stresses at work, and the marijuana thing, and the party, and school…it just feel between the cracks. It’s not like me…I’m normally very on top of stuff, especially when it’s not my account the money is coming out of…makes it a whole lot easier…I’ve been forgetting stuff at work a lot…I’ve had customer’s show up to get work done, that I know I talked to, yet, don’t remember what I told them, or pricing I quoted them…heck, most of them I don’t even remember what I’m selling them or what kind of car we’re putting it in….to say the least, I’m a little stressed…


oh and the puppy isn’t well…she’s been sick for a while…she got all these weird little scabby like bumps on her…she goes through phases where we think she’s getting better, and then she goes back down hill…we’ve tried everything, from changing food, to some weird borax treatment J’s sister-in-law found online…the vet wants $3,000 to do a biopsy to figure out what’s wrong, and then God only knows how much to treat her, if he can…she’s been getting a lot worse in the last week or so…J took her over to a friend’s house last weekend, and she went and laid down, and he came back and she was laying in her own urine….not a good sign…I’m really scared we’re going to have to put her down…she’s such a sweet dog…I really hate to have to do it, but, it’s starting to look like we’re going to have to…it makes me want to cry every time I think about it…


We’ll 3 ½ chapters of school work, still left to do…I’m hoping to have all my school work done by this weekend so I can go take my final and be finished with the semester, so all I have to worry about is my grandmother’s party…and money for my grandmother’s party…so, please wish me luck…I’m going to need it.

Knowing, But Not Admitting

6 04 2008

So, last night I went to bed without J. holding me, first time we ever slept in the same bed with that much space between us…he knows I’m mad.


I was suppose to help him with the bedroom…I have no desire to. I’m exhausted, I didn’t sleep at all last night…I have a tendency to not sleep when I’m stressed…


I heard him get up and leave this morning. He ran to 7-11, got me a paper, and him a drink. He left the paper on the bed beside me, and went out to the garage. He never said a word toward me, or touched me…even when asleep, normally he’ll kiss me on the cheek, and tell me where he’s going…not this morning. 


I spent the day working on stuff for my granny’s surprise birthday party…she’s turning 80 next week, and we are working on a surprise party for a little later on this month…it’s becoming quite time consuming, so I spent all day today working on that…finding pictures, and scanning them…and cropping & editing…all that fun stuff…We’re getting a quilt made with pictures and personal messages from all her family and friends, so…that’s what I worked on today…I stayed in my PJs all day.


Normally, that would drive J nuts…but today, he asked if he could get me anything, or if I had enough light…or anything he could help me with…I again, didn’t say a word about what I’d seen…but I now know that I am 100% sure of what I saw…if I hadn’t seen it, I know J wouldn’t not be walking on eggshells…like he’s done all day today.




Again, we went to sleep without touching…I really don’t want any sort of intimacy with someone who’s been hiding this big of a secret from me, for two years.