This Weekend

12 06 2008

It’s been almost a week since I’ve written a “real” blog entry. It’s been a very tiring week…I’ll start you up at this past Friday. A friend of my mom’s organizes a fishing tournament every year in honor of her deceased brother…they hold it at Claytor lake, which is about 30-45 minutes from Blacksburg…she offered to pay me the $200 dollars for gas, plus an extra 50 if I would come up and help. She needed me to be at her house at 5:45 Saturday morning to go set up and handle the registration for the tournament. So, that meant I had to drive up to Roanoke Friday night after work…I didn’t get out of Virginia Beach until 7:45 Friday night and didn’t make it to Roanoke until 1 in the morning. My mom called me when I was about 2 ½ hours outside of Virginia Beach, to let me know that they didn’t need me for registration that they just needed me to handle picking up the food for the picnic afterward, and also the organizers mother….I didn’t have be at the lake until 2, to have everything ready at 4…I could have driven up Saturday morning, damn it! But I was already half way there, so I kept trucking…

 

Saturday I got the lake thing handled…nothing really exciting there…some good photos from the car show which I’ll post at a later date, when J helps me label them with the right year, make and model. So, we’re getting ready to leave the lake and I noticed a dent in the right passenger bumper of J’s beloved truck…not good…I could remember if it had been there before or night…he’d messed up his bumper about 6 months ago, but I could remember of this dent was from that…so I get back to Roanoke (where my mom now lives) at about 7:30 or 8 that night, go take a shower (it was a hot, sweaty day, I felt disgusting) and spent Saturday evening just hanging out with my mom and grandmother and went to bed early…When J called, I didn’t mention the dent, I was tired and exhausted, and figured it could wait until tomorrow.

 

Sunday I got up and went to Hampton Inn and spent some time hanging out with my mom & grandmother and stole some breakfast while they worked (they are breakfast attendants there on weekends) and drank LOTS of coffee…so I left there about 11:30, went and filled up the gas tank and ran by Barnes & Noble for a book on CD and left town about 12:20, 12:30…and when I spoke to J to let him know I was headed back home, I asked if by any chance there was a dent on his truck when he gave it to me…he confirmed that there was a dent on the passenger right front, near the bumper…Thank god!! So very relived by that…then he proceeded to tell me that even if I had dented his truck it was no big deal, it’s just a truck…ha, ha…I picked that I didn’t believe him, that he loved his vehicles more than he did people…little did I know, this was a foreshadowing for something that would happen that evening…I made it all the way from Virginia Beach to Claytor Lake, and from Claytor Lake back to Chesapeake with no problems…I was even half asleep for most of it…so I’m coming down our street and see J come up the other way on the street , and he pulls in the drive way…I go to pull in after him…and obviously didn’t judge the distance from the neighbors fence quite well enough, so I scrap the bumper of the truck along the edge of the fence…all while he’s watching…so much for a warm welcome home…he’s furious…I apologize, tell him I didn’t mean to, and I’d pay to get the bumper fixed… “That’s not the point, why’d you hit the fence.”…So that just made me mad…like I intentionally meant to hit the fence? What could possibly be more fun than pissing off your boyfriend, and the neighbor because you hit her fence with his truck?? Eventually, he came back and apologized for yelling…blamed it on the heat (which could be likely, it was 102 out)…

 

So, very long weekend…very very long…and later that evening I made another fun discovery…I set down to the computer and start to type www.wordpress.com I get through the www.wo and up pops www.womansexy.com, now, anyone who reads my blog, knows…I have a very bad past with men and online pornography…so, I think, maybe it just accidently popped up while he was on the computer this weekend, so I check history…and what do I find?? Several more fun sites…including one about teenagers with big boobs…just what I needed…so of course, that starts a fun fight…I spent 3 years battling with my ex over pornography, and the moment I saw those sites on my computer, that knot built up in my stomach and everything from the past came rushing in, I felt like a 20 year old battling to save her marriage, again….it hurt so much. I just can’t even put it into words. J apologized, told me how it didn’t mean anything…he just looked at the front pages of a few sites, just curious as to what all the hype was about….he didn’t mean to hurt me, how he loved me and didn’t want anyone but me…of course, we haven’t had sex in over month…and I’m gone less than 24 hours and he’s looking at porn online…I’m a little more than upset…I go to bed, he sleeps on the couch…I don’t think either of us got any sleep.

 

Monday, we barely spoke at work…we got home Monday and I cam to the conclusion that I can’t hold against him what my ex did. No matter how much it hurt…J hasn’t really given me a reason to believe he really looks at porn…he’s not technologically savvy enough to hide it from me, and it was only about 4 or 5 sites, and he was true to his word, he had just looked at the front pages, and hadn’t gone any further…I either had to forgive him, or ended over something that stupid…I can’t hold on to that horrible fear and not be willing to forgive…so, I’m making an effort to deal with it…he said something that kind of stuck with me Monday night, he said “Sometimes you are as hard as a rock and then other times you’re curled up in the corner crying and your as fragile as a shell and I have to handle you so gently.” And it’s true…There are days and moments that I am invincible…nothing bothers me, I can tackle anything…and other times, I feel like I’m not worthy to walk on this earth, my less be loved, wanted, or cared about…It’s hard, because I use to be so strong when it came to relationships…my ex-husband tore me apart, and broke my spirit…I’m trying to build it back…but it’s a lot dang harder than it looks…





Commercial Breaks

6 06 2008

Sorry to interrupt our normally scheduled programming, I am going out of town tonight, and will not be back until Sunday…I’m going back to Blacksburg, and will not have internet, so….I have some great fun post scheduled, but won’t be able to read comments or anything until Sunday night or Monday, so, please enjoy the commercial break, and we’ll return to our regular scheduled programming on Monday.

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more
than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year…

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?

Check comment #1 for answer….and don’t forget,

Amateurs…built the ark. Professionals…built the Titanic.